Girls Get Away Cruise 2010

First cruise I have ever been on... I am booked for the next one. I am so looking forward to January 2012! And yes, I will snorkel again!!! I made some awesome new friends AND conquered my fear of "Jaws." Yes, Jaws... it was the only movie I ever snuck in to see and I have been punished ever since. I was 10, now I am dating myself, oh well... For years I thought Jaws just might come up out of the pool drain and get me. And I have NEVER been in the ocean deeper than my ankles. I was determined to see the beauty HE created in the ocean. This past summer I kept thinking and praying about snorkeling. I knew HE wanted to show off HIS beauty. Our music minister had just gotten back from a cruise and talked about the beauty that HE created in the ocean, ugh really?!?!?!? His message confirmed to me that I was supposed to snorkel...

The water was rough and our guide offered to let us choose another excursion... I knew HE would keep me safe and jumped in. HIS beauty was amazing!!! The fish, the coral reefs, feeling HIS hand guide me, WOW!!! And you know what? We didn't even see a shark but we did see a Great Barracuda and so many colorful fish and reefs! His beauty, AMAZING!!!

The speakers, the worship, the fellowship, the rest (even though we never could figure out what time it was), the anointing of His spirit... thank you Lord!

Anger...

All I can say is ugh.... oh how I wish the weekend had all been like Fri. night. I had so much fun with Jennifer. I surprised her and we went to see Phantom of the Opera. Her excitement truly blessed me!

Then Saturday happened... I think Sat was the culmination of the last few weeks and I knew it was coming but dang!!!! It seems like this is the roughest it has been... I miss that ole fart and I knew he kept Chris company... but it turned into so much more than Griff, I am truly sad about him but the emotion of his death has triggered so much more......... ANGER! I had been cooking and baking all day. Doesn't sound very relaxing and restful but for me it is. When I finished my baking I really just threw me a big 'ole fit... at the house and then mainly at the cemetery. I cried, no more like I sobbed, screamed, hollered, shook my fists, maybe even kicked me some dirt, sobbed some more... I am so stinking tired of all this! How much more? Then I regret asking how much more because He can show me how much more.... all of it angers me. Angers me in a way I have not felt in a long time, I don't like it. I'm just stinking MAD! Not sure who I am mad at, just mad... I want a do over, I want them, all back, Rachel, my daddy, Heather, JoJo, and yes even Griff (our dog). I miss that grumpy ole fart and it sure is quiet around here, the girls (the other 3 dogs) are lost with no one to boss them around and I don't even have to fight for my spot in the bed...

I want my baby girl back... I miss her... I want her in my life, in my arms, I need to hear her call me "momma" in that sweet little voice of hers, I need all those things, I know the value of the journey but I am tired and right this moment I just want her back! I'm tired of the roller coaster of emotions... I'm just plain tired and I am not sure it is a tired that sleep will fix... In fact probably sleep won't fix it. I slept most of yesterday. Sat night I started getting the chills and that overall "I think I am coming down wth somethig feeling." I still felt that way Sun morning and could not get rid of the chills so I wet back to bed and slept until 2:30 in the afteroon and really never left the couch all day. It is now almost 4am and I am up and know that I should be asleep but my brain will NOT shut up. Too may thoughts running through my head like a broken record... that Sunday before I left for work planning our trip to Austin, snuggling with her in bed, that Mon afternoon trying to call her and congratulate her about getting her permit, talking to Chris on the way to work, the phone call, the girls at work jumpig to action all the while so confused and hurting as mothers themselves, telling my daddy, the drive, being taken to "that" room where they told us her condition, rushing in to see her, talking to her, holding her hand, hearing her heart still beating, saying to myself over and over "for I know the plans I have for you and I can do all things through Christ who stregthens me," saying "go be with Jesus" over and over to her, saying goodbye to her one more time, kissing each of her painted and chipped toes and fingers, clinging to Chris like never before and all those people that came to love on us, seeing those heartbroken and confused kids and friends, the drive to my dad's, the drive home, seeing her room, the smell, knowing how loved we were then and still are, the funeral home, planning her funeral, picking out that dang casket, feeling my knees almost buckle right beneath me and thinking I was gonna throw up that very moment, that whole week seems to be such a blur and yet so clear. A broken record of memories I wish had ever happened. But the value of the journey... priceless I know. I keep reminding myself of that. And then the record starts all over... I wanna get past this... I want to rest, I don't want to be angry anymore.

Another sleepless night...

I am up can't sleep... Haven't had one of these nights in forever... This is what He laid on my heart, nothing like writing in the blackberry, I guess it's better than a scratch piece of paper... I guess as this next step on the journey begins I'll have to find all of those. Anyway here goes... It's a beginning to something beyond my wildest imagination, I am looking forward to seeing what He is gonna do! Here goes, it's very short but a start...

April 28th, 2008... It was a day like any other... Chris took Rachel to school, took her to get her permit and I headed off to work that night. Yet one fateful moment in time, one phone call changed my life, our livesforever, it set my feet on the path of a journey I never imagined I would be on. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined how drastically our lives could change in the blink of an eye. It is not a journey that I would have signed up for but it is also not one I would trade for anything. Would I take my baby girl back in a split second, selfishly yes but my heart says,no. I would have missed the blessing of this precious journey with Him. I am humbled and stand amazed that He chose me for the journey!

Baby Steps

Baby Steps
Chris seems better this evening, he even had supper started when I got home. Woohoo! Maybe this morning is a start... I think that when he asked me this morning about "forgiveness," in all honesty he was afraid my answer would be him. I have NEVER blamed him. I hope deep down he knows that. I just wish I knew how to make him believe that and truly I realize that I can't... only HE can. Last night was a rough one for me but ended up so sweet... I had stayed up late working on a crosstitch project that I want to finish for a Christmas present and then went to bed to read (surprise, surprise). The part that got to me was about a mother and daughter having a "spa" weekend, it really got to me. It's those time I want to remember. The mani/pedi's, coming to see me in Va. and Mo., going to DC, going to the movies, slumber parties, her laugh, her smiles and all that stuff. I remember the Sunday before Rachel died, we skipped church and I went into her bedroom just to watch her sleep. I then remember crawling into bed with her and snuggling up just for a bit. Such a sweet memory. I finally put the book down and "tried" to sleep. He kept "nudging" me to get up, I got up, went downstairs, tearfully and timidly knowing He wanted me to tackle what I had dreaded and could not and did not want to look at. I opened her door, I had to ask Him to take away the vision in my head of her standing in front of that mirror one last time... He did, I started with the photo of her with Laura Bush with many tears. I moved around her room just taking them all in. Studying each one as if for the first time. The bulleting boards she made, precious memories... many tears and even some silent giggles. I noticed the one of her at the regional track meet - it may be one of the last photos of her, I am not sure. If not the last certainly one of a few. Precious! After that I went to the computer and pulled up all the facebook photos and began putting captions and tagging some people. It was hard, but fun and such a sweet time spent with Him. He made it easy. There are still more to tag and caption but baby steps, right? So healing and comforting. And no more feeling guilt about not being able to look at them... After I finished, I went back upstairs thankful for the precious time spent with Him and with her. I went to bed and fell fast asleep and slept well. Amen! Hallelujah!!!

very rough draft of a blog, but here goes anyway...

just a very rough draft of a blog. I wa0 sheaded back to bed for a nap with only my Blackberry to write in. He gave me this, it's been awhile... Nonetheless, here goes: '2005 Turning 40... I never and I mean honestly never dreaded the big 40. And contrary to Andrew's kidding I was only 39 once. I was excited to turn 40. I remember that birthday well... Looking forward to what God had in store for the next 40. If I'd only known... At times this last year I have thought what the heck was I thinking? I was 42 when Andrew joined the Army and left home and when Rachel died. Empty nest at 42, seriously? Not what expected at all... And while sometimes I have thought what the heck He reminded this morning what a sweet time it has been so far. Hard, yes. Struggled, yes. Still have hard days, yes. Still struggle, yes. Its okay to struggle andhave those days, I don't like it and feel like such a failure when I do but it is okay and even expected. it makes me lean on Him even more. And that isright where He wants me... And I am okay with that.' I am going back to bed so I can work tonight, ugh.... Praying your day is blessed!

Mel's Smiley Face

September 13, 2009 We also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perservance. ~ Romans 5:3 Some people think you shouldn’t draw in your Bible, but I’m glad my daughter Melissa drew in hers. In the margin next to Romans 5, she used a green ink pen to draw a small, simple smiley face, and circled verse 3. How could she have known that her family and friends would need this passage when she left us so suddenly in a car accident at age 17? How could she know that these verses would tell her story, while guiding our lives and the lives of others over the past 7 years? Romans 5 begins by explaining our justification through faith, which gives us peace with God through Jesus (v.1). Melissa had that peace. And right now she is enjoying the fruits of her faith, as verse 2 describes: We “rejoice in hope of the glory of God.” Imagine the smiley face she could draw now! And then there’s the rest of us—all of us left behind when loved ones precede us in death. Somehow, we “rejoice in our sufferings.” Why? Our suffering brings perseverance, which brings character, which brings us hope (vv.3-4). We feel helpless in times of tragedy, but we are never hopeless. God pours His love into our hearts—and with it the great hope of His glory. It’s all part of God’s mysterious yet marvelous plan. — Dave Branon God often digs wells of joy with the spade of sorrow. taken from Our Daily Bread September 13, 2009 Thank you Johnny Claborn for sharing this with me this morning...

For All We Know...

The words to this song truly came to life for me this weekend... I loved seeing all of my "heart girls" and even those that were only able to follow via FaceBook. What a blessing! My "heart" is full of praise and thanks for each and every one of you and how you have touched my life...

FOR ALL WE KNOW
For all we know,
We may never meet again,
Our camp will grow,
Making memories sweet again.
We’ll not say good-bye,
We’ll never be parted.
We’ll join hands and hearts,
For the friendships we started.

Our camping days
Seem to only be a dream,
They come and go,
Like the ripples on a stream.
Heart O’ the Hills will remain,
Like to tune of an old refrain,
And live in our hearts again,
For all we know.