Over the years, I’ve come to realize that every parent who has lost a child learns to wear the mask.
I know I have.
It’s the mask I put on so the world can’t fully see what is really going on inside, because the truth is, unless you’ve walked this road, you just can’t fully understand it.
It’s the mask that hides the broken, bleeding heart.
It’s the mask that hides the fear that maybe I’m going a little crazy.
It’s the mask that holds back the tears that come at night when the house is quiet and the day is done.
It’s the mask that says, “I’m doing okay,” when deep down I’m crying out, Lord, help me. I do not know how to do this day without Rachel.
The mask is real.
And sometimes, if I’m being honest, I’m just too tired to take it off.
Too tired to explain.
Too tired to try to put grief into words.
Too tired to let people see just how deep the ache still runs.
Sometimes it feels easier just to pretend for a little while.
Not because I’m healed.
Not because I’ve moved on.
And certainly not because I’m over it.
But because grief is heavy.
And sometimes carrying it where everyone can see just feels like more than I can do.
What I have learned though, and what I have clung to in the darkest places, is this... God sees behind the mask.
He sees the tears nobody else sees.
He hears the cries I never say out loud.
He knows the thoughts that stay buried deep in my heart.
He sees the nights when the pain feels fresh all over again and the mornings when I have to ask Him for strength just to do the next thing.
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
I cannot tell you how many times I have held onto that verse.
Not because faith takes away the pain.
Not because Scripture makes the loss hurt less.
But because it reminds me that I do not walk this road alone.
The Lord has been so faithful to meet me in the sorrow.
Not always by removing the pain, but by carrying me through it.
By giving me grace for that day.
Strength for that moment.
Breath for the next step.
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26
That verse has become so precious to me, because there have been plenty of days when my heart has failed me.
Days when I felt weak.
Days when I felt numb.
Days when I wondered how in the world I could keep going.
But God...
He has held me together more times than I can count.
I’ve often said this isn’t Rachel’s story.
It’s not even mine.
It is HIStory.
A story being written by the Lord, even through ashes I never would have chosen.
A story that does not deny the heartbreak, but reminds me that heartbreak is not the end.
A story where beauty can rise from ashes, not because the ashes weren’t real, but because God is still God in the middle of them.
“To grant to those who mourn in Zion... to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes...” Isaiah 61:3
It doesn’t erase the ashes.
But it reminds me they are not the end of the story.
So yes, sometimes I still wear the mask.
Sometimes I smile when my heart is aching.
Sometimes I say I’m okay because I just don’t have the energy to explain the truth of it all.
But even then, God knows.
I may hide behind the mask from people, but I do not have to hide from Him.
And that is where my hope lives.
Because this world is not the end of the story.
Because Jesus is still Lord.
Because the grave does not get the final word.
Because for those of us who belong to Him, there will be a reunion one day that grief cannot touch.
The journey is not over.
It will not be over until we meet again, until we are reunited in heaven.
“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore...” Revelation 21:4
That is the hope I carry.
Not that the sorrow is gone.
Not that the ache has disappeared.
But that sorrow will not have the final say.
So if you too wear the mask... if you’ve learned how to smile while carrying heartbreak... if you’ve whispered prayers through tears no one else knew were falling... please know you are not alone.
God sees behind the mask.
He is near to the brokenhearted.
And He is still holding us fast. 
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