This memory popped up from March 2022, and it felt like a sweet little reminder of the journey
So... I did a thing while I’ve been home.
And for me, it was kind of a big thing.
It involved a whole lot of trust and a whole lot of letting go of fear.
I have worn this bracelet since shortly after Rachel passed away. It is not just a bracelet to me. It is one of the tangible things I have held close all these years, one of those treasures that somehow helps me feel near to her. What makes it even more special is that my sister Carrie gave this bracelet to Rachel when she was just a little girl. So this little piece of jewelry carries even more meaning than I can fully put into words. It is very precious to me, for obvious reasons, and because of that I have had the hardest time ever letting it out of my hands.
It has needed to be repaired for a while now, and I’ve wanted to add another charm to it, but I just could not make myself leave it anywhere. The only exception was once, years ago, when I let James Avery in Kerrville work on it. Other than that, I have been too afraid to let anyone around here send it off because I was always scared it might get lost.
The other day I was in the James Avery store in Sherman with Lorelai, and I could just feel that gentle nudge from the Holy Spirit telling me it was time. Time to trust. Time to let go of the fear. Time to place even this in His hands.
I stood there with tears in my eyes trying to explain what this bracelet means to me and why it is so sentimental. They were so kind and so reassuring, and they promised me they would take good care of it and that it would return safely.
Even so... it was still hard.
It was hard to walk out of that store without it.
Hard to leave behind something tied so closely to Rachel.
Hard to hush all the what-ifs that grief has taught me to hold onto.
Because if you know child loss, then you know. Grief changes you. It makes you hold tight to the things that matter. It makes you fearful of losing anything else connected to the one you love so deeply.
But I walked out anyway.
Not because it felt easy.
Not because I wasn’t afraid.
But because I knew the Lord was asking me to trust Him.
Truth be told, I’ve thought about this a lot since I left it. The hoops on the side were getting so thin that if it had broken while I was wearing it, I might truly never have found it. And I think that fear, in a way, is what finally pushed me to leave it in their very capable hands.
Still learning.
Still growing.
Still being stretched on this grief journey.
Even 18 years later, the Lord is still teaching me. Still showing me places where fear has taken root. Still gently reminding me that Rachel has always been in His hands, and so have I. There is something humbling about realizing that grief still has lessons to teach me all these years later, and that the Lord is still faithfully meeting me there.
I pray He never stops growing me.
Never stops refining me.
Never stops teaching me to trust Him more.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” ~ Proverbs 3:5-6
Edit: Truth be told... I’ve thought about this a lot since I left it. The hoops on the side were getting so thin that if it broke, I might truly never find it. That fear is actually what prompted the trust to leave it in their very capable hands. As I said before, still learning and growing on this grief journey.
Edit: Chris picked up the bracelet on Wednesday, and from what I can tell, it looks brand new! 
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