Another sleepless night...

I am up can't sleep... Haven't had one of these nights in forever... This is what He laid on my heart, nothing like writing in the blackberry, I guess it's better than a scratch piece of paper... I guess as this next step on the journey begins I'll have to find all of those. Anyway here goes... It's a beginning to something beyond my wildest imagination, I am looking forward to seeing what He is gonna do! Here goes, it's very short but a start...

April 28th, 2008... It was a day like any other... Chris took Rachel to school, took her to get her permit and I headed off to work that night. Yet one fateful moment in time, one phone call changed my life, our livesforever, it set my feet on the path of a journey I never imagined I would be on. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined how drastically our lives could change in the blink of an eye. It is not a journey that I would have signed up for but it is also not one I would trade for anything. Would I take my baby girl back in a split second, selfishly yes but my heart says,no. I would have missed the blessing of this precious journey with Him. I am humbled and stand amazed that He chose me for the journey!

Baby Steps

Baby Steps
Chris seems better this evening, he even had supper started when I got home. Woohoo! Maybe this morning is a start... I think that when he asked me this morning about "forgiveness," in all honesty he was afraid my answer would be him. I have NEVER blamed him. I hope deep down he knows that. I just wish I knew how to make him believe that and truly I realize that I can't... only HE can. Last night was a rough one for me but ended up so sweet... I had stayed up late working on a crosstitch project that I want to finish for a Christmas present and then went to bed to read (surprise, surprise). The part that got to me was about a mother and daughter having a "spa" weekend, it really got to me. It's those time I want to remember. The mani/pedi's, coming to see me in Va. and Mo., going to DC, going to the movies, slumber parties, her laugh, her smiles and all that stuff. I remember the Sunday before Rachel died, we skipped church and I went into her bedroom just to watch her sleep. I then remember crawling into bed with her and snuggling up just for a bit. Such a sweet memory. I finally put the book down and "tried" to sleep. He kept "nudging" me to get up, I got up, went downstairs, tearfully and timidly knowing He wanted me to tackle what I had dreaded and could not and did not want to look at. I opened her door, I had to ask Him to take away the vision in my head of her standing in front of that mirror one last time... He did, I started with the photo of her with Laura Bush with many tears. I moved around her room just taking them all in. Studying each one as if for the first time. The bulleting boards she made, precious memories... many tears and even some silent giggles. I noticed the one of her at the regional track meet - it may be one of the last photos of her, I am not sure. If not the last certainly one of a few. Precious! After that I went to the computer and pulled up all the facebook photos and began putting captions and tagging some people. It was hard, but fun and such a sweet time spent with Him. He made it easy. There are still more to tag and caption but baby steps, right? So healing and comforting. And no more feeling guilt about not being able to look at them... After I finished, I went back upstairs thankful for the precious time spent with Him and with her. I went to bed and fell fast asleep and slept well. Amen! Hallelujah!!!

very rough draft of a blog, but here goes anyway...

just a very rough draft of a blog. I wa0 sheaded back to bed for a nap with only my Blackberry to write in. He gave me this, it's been awhile... Nonetheless, here goes: '2005 Turning 40... I never and I mean honestly never dreaded the big 40. And contrary to Andrew's kidding I was only 39 once. I was excited to turn 40. I remember that birthday well... Looking forward to what God had in store for the next 40. If I'd only known... At times this last year I have thought what the heck was I thinking? I was 42 when Andrew joined the Army and left home and when Rachel died. Empty nest at 42, seriously? Not what expected at all... And while sometimes I have thought what the heck He reminded this morning what a sweet time it has been so far. Hard, yes. Struggled, yes. Still have hard days, yes. Still struggle, yes. Its okay to struggle andhave those days, I don't like it and feel like such a failure when I do but it is okay and even expected. it makes me lean on Him even more. And that isright where He wants me... And I am okay with that.' I am going back to bed so I can work tonight, ugh.... Praying your day is blessed!

Mel's Smiley Face

September 13, 2009 We also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perservance. ~ Romans 5:3 Some people think you shouldn’t draw in your Bible, but I’m glad my daughter Melissa drew in hers. In the margin next to Romans 5, she used a green ink pen to draw a small, simple smiley face, and circled verse 3. How could she have known that her family and friends would need this passage when she left us so suddenly in a car accident at age 17? How could she know that these verses would tell her story, while guiding our lives and the lives of others over the past 7 years? Romans 5 begins by explaining our justification through faith, which gives us peace with God through Jesus (v.1). Melissa had that peace. And right now she is enjoying the fruits of her faith, as verse 2 describes: We “rejoice in hope of the glory of God.” Imagine the smiley face she could draw now! And then there’s the rest of us—all of us left behind when loved ones precede us in death. Somehow, we “rejoice in our sufferings.” Why? Our suffering brings perseverance, which brings character, which brings us hope (vv.3-4). We feel helpless in times of tragedy, but we are never hopeless. God pours His love into our hearts—and with it the great hope of His glory. It’s all part of God’s mysterious yet marvelous plan. — Dave Branon God often digs wells of joy with the spade of sorrow. taken from Our Daily Bread September 13, 2009 Thank you Johnny Claborn for sharing this with me this morning...

For All We Know...

The words to this song truly came to life for me this weekend... I loved seeing all of my "heart girls" and even those that were only able to follow via FaceBook. What a blessing! My "heart" is full of praise and thanks for each and every one of you and how you have touched my life...

FOR ALL WE KNOW
For all we know,
We may never meet again,
Our camp will grow,
Making memories sweet again.
We’ll not say good-bye,
We’ll never be parted.
We’ll join hands and hearts,
For the friendships we started.

Our camping days
Seem to only be a dream,
They come and go,
Like the ripples on a stream.
Heart O’ the Hills will remain,
Like to tune of an old refrain,
And live in our hearts again,
For all we know.

Hinds Feet on Hinds Places

This is where I am these days...

Hind’s Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard is a beautiful allegory dramatizing the yearning of God’s children to be led to new heights of love, joy, and victory. It follows the spiritual journey of Much-Afraid through difficult places with her two companions, Sorrow and Suffering. Much-Afraid overcomes her tormenting fears as she passes through many dangers and mounts at last to the High Places. There she gains a new name and returns to her valley of service, transformed by her union with the loving Shepherd.

Hind’s Feet on High Places is a book that I started many years ago and have never finished. It’s one that I pick up every once in awhile, read a few pages or even chapters and then put aside for a bit. Not sure why other than it seems that’s how God planned it. How do I know that? It seems that every time I pick it up I can relate to where Much-Afraid is in her journey to “high places.” I think God planned it that way… in fact I am sure that He did. Since the end of April I have felt sort of “idle.” Like nothing is going on… no progress forward but not backwards either. I have a hard time dealing with idleness. It feels wrong somehow. It’s hard to explain. A couple of weeks ago I picked it up and began to read. I continue to be amazed at how He speaks to me so clearly and timely.

This is what He said to me through the words Hannah Hurnard and the experience of Much-Afraid: “Shepherd, Shepherd! Help me! Where are you? Don’t leave me! Next instant she was clinging to him and trembling from head to foot, and sobbing over and over again. ‘You may do anything, Shepherd. You may do anything—only don’t let me turn back. O my Lord, don’t let me leave you. Entreat me not to leave thee nor to return from following after thee.’ He lifter her up, supported her by his arm, and with his own hand wiped the tears from her cheeks, then said in his strong, cheery voice, ‘There is no question of your turning back, Much-Afraid. No one, not even your own shrinking heart, can pluck you out of my hand. Don’t you remember what I told you before? This delay is not unto death but for the glory of God… Will you go down this path of forgiveness into the Valley of Loss just because it is the way that I have chosen for you? Will you still trust and still love me?’ Considering how steep the descent into the Valley of Loss, it seemed surprisingly easy (not sure about that...), but perhaps that was because Much-Afraid desired with her whole body will make it in a way that would satisfy and please the Shepherd. The awful glimpse down into the abyss of an existence without him has so staggered and appalled her heart that she felt she could never be quite the same again. However, it opened her eyes to the fact that right down in the depths of her own heart she really had but one passionate desire, not for the things which the Shepherd had promised, but for himself. All she wanted was to be allowed to follow him forever.

Other desires might clamor strongly and fiercely nearer the surface of her nature, but she knew now that deep down in the core of her own being she was so shaped that nothing could fit, fill, or satisfy her heart but he himself. "Nothing else really matters," she said to herself, "only to love him and to do what he tells me. I don't know quiet why it should be so, but it is. All the time it is suffering to love him and sorrow to love, but it is lovely to love him in spite of this, and if I should cease to do so, I should cease to exist." So, as has been said, they reached the valley very quickly.

The next surprising thing was that though the valley did seem at first a little like prison after the strong bracing air of the mountains, it turned out to be a wonderfully beautiful and peaceful place, very green and with flowers covering the fields and the banks of the river which flowed quietly through it.

Strangely enough, down there in the Valley of Loss, Much-Afraid felt more rested, more peaceful, and more content than anywhere else on the journey. It seemed too, that her two companions also underwent a strange transformation. They still held her hands, but there was neither suffering nor sorrow in the touch. It was as though they walked close beside her and went hand in hand simply for friendship's sake and for the joy of being together. (I can so relate to this part of her journey)

It is true that when Much-Afraid looked at the mountains on the other side of the valley she wondered how they would ever manage to ascend them, but she found herself content to wait restfully and to wander in the valley as long as the Shepherd chose. One thing in particular comforted her; after the hardness and slipperiness of the way on the mountains, where she had stumbled and limped so painfully, she found that in those quiet green fields she could actually walk without stumbling, and could not feel her wounds and scars and stiffness at all.

All this seemed a little strange because, of course, she really was in the Valley of Loss. Also, apparently, she was farther from the High Places than ever before. She asked the Shepherd about it one day, for the loveliest part of all was that he often walked with them down there, saying with a beautiful smile that it was one of his favorite haunts.

In answer to her question, he said, 'I am glad that you are learning to appreciate the valley too, but I think it was the altar which you built at the top, Much-Afraid, which has made it so easy for you.'

This also rather puzzled her, for she said, 'But I have noticed that after the other altars which you told me to build, the way has generally seemed harder and more testing than before.'

Again he smiled, but only remarked quietly that the important thing about altars was that they made the possibilities of apparent impossibilities, and that it was nice that on this occasion it had brought her peace and not a great struggle. She noticed that he looked at her keenly and rather strangely as he spoke, and though there was a beautiful gentleness in the look, there was also something else which she had seen before, but still did not understand. She thought it held a mixture of two things, not exactly pity-- no, that was the wrong word, but a look of wonderful compassion together with unflinching determination.

When she realized that, she thought of some words which one of the Shepherd's servants had spoken down in the Valley of Humiliation before ever the Shepherd had called her to the High Places. He had said, 'Love is beautiful, but it is also terrible-- terrible in its determination to allow nothing blemished or unworthy to remain in the beloved.'

When she remembered this, Much-Afraid thought with a little shiver in her heart, 'He will never be content until he makes me what he is determined that I ought to be,' and because she was still Much-Afraid and not yet ready to change her name, she added with a pang of fear, 'I wonder what he plans to do next, and if it will hurt very much indeed?'" I so wish I could express this as beautifully Hannah Hurnard. It so describes where I am on this journey these days...

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LJ says...
"Love and prayers with you and yours on your journey." (6/2/09)

long lost friends...

A long lost friend from WNJ found me on Facebook... she went to the easysite. After spending hours reading the whole thing she left the sweetest message. I wanted to share part of it. I read it the beginning of May and was going through my FB mail and reread it. She reminded me of a conversation I had with Rachel when she was four... I needed this today! "...you came to work one night and told me something she had said and it had shocked you. She had told you that day that she loved Jesus and she wanted to go be with him. You said you were shocked that a 4 year old would say that. I asked you what your response was to her and you said that you wanted her to be with Jesus but just not yet." I had totally forgotten about it but now I remember it clearly and what a precious memory. I am so glad to be reminded that she loved Him, not that I ever doubted it but just neat to be reminded how young she was with a heart for Him. And so glad she is where she wanted most to be. I needed it today... last night I discovered that the girls did not have enough "fast girls" to make up a mile relay team. It really hit home and probably had a lot to do with why I did not sleep last night. It was Rachel's favorite race. Anyway, just thought I would share.