The words to this song truly came to life for me this weekend... I loved seeing all of my "heart girls" and even those that were only able to follow via FaceBook. What a blessing! My "heart" is full of praise and thanks for each and every one of you and how you have touched my life...
FOR ALL WE KNOW
For all we know,
We may never meet again,
Our camp will grow,
Making memories sweet again.
We’ll not say good-bye,
We’ll never be parted.
We’ll join hands and hearts,
For the friendships we started.
Our camping days
Seem to only be a dream,
They come and go,
Like the ripples on a stream.
Heart O’ the Hills will remain,
Like to tune of an old refrain,
And live in our hearts again,
For all we know.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Hinds Feet on Hinds Places
This is where I am these days...
Hind’s Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard is a beautiful allegory dramatizing the yearning of God’s children to be led to new heights of love, joy, and victory. It follows the spiritual journey of Much-Afraid through difficult places with her two companions, Sorrow and Suffering. Much-Afraid overcomes her tormenting fears as she passes through many dangers and mounts at last to the High Places. There she gains a new name and returns to her valley of service, transformed by her union with the loving Shepherd.
Hind’s Feet on High Places is a book that I started many years ago and have never finished. It’s one that I pick up every once in awhile, read a few pages or even chapters and then put aside for a bit. Not sure why other than it seems that’s how God planned it. How do I know that? It seems that every time I pick it up I can relate to where Much-Afraid is in her journey to “high places.” I think God planned it that way… in fact I am sure that He did. Since the end of April I have felt sort of “idle.” Like nothing is going on… no progress forward but not backwards either. I have a hard time dealing with idleness. It feels wrong somehow. It’s hard to explain. A couple of weeks ago I picked it up and began to read. I continue to be amazed at how He speaks to me so clearly and timely.
This is what He said to me through the words Hannah Hurnard and the experience of Much-Afraid: “Shepherd, Shepherd! Help me! Where are you? Don’t leave me! Next instant she was clinging to him and trembling from head to foot, and sobbing over and over again. ‘You may do anything, Shepherd. You may do anything—only don’t let me turn back. O my Lord, don’t let me leave you. Entreat me not to leave thee nor to return from following after thee.’ He lifter her up, supported her by his arm, and with his own hand wiped the tears from her cheeks, then said in his strong, cheery voice, ‘There is no question of your turning back, Much-Afraid. No one, not even your own shrinking heart, can pluck you out of my hand. Don’t you remember what I told you before? This delay is not unto death but for the glory of God… Will you go down this path of forgiveness into the Valley of Loss just because it is the way that I have chosen for you? Will you still trust and still love me?’ Considering how steep the descent into the Valley of Loss, it seemed surprisingly easy (not sure about that...), but perhaps that was because Much-Afraid desired with her whole body will make it in a way that would satisfy and please the Shepherd. The awful glimpse down into the abyss of an existence without him has so staggered and appalled her heart that she felt she could never be quite the same again. However, it opened her eyes to the fact that right down in the depths of her own heart she really had but one passionate desire, not for the things which the Shepherd had promised, but for himself. All she wanted was to be allowed to follow him forever.
Other desires might clamor strongly and fiercely nearer the surface of her nature, but she knew now that deep down in the core of her own being she was so shaped that nothing could fit, fill, or satisfy her heart but he himself. "Nothing else really matters," she said to herself, "only to love him and to do what he tells me. I don't know quiet why it should be so, but it is. All the time it is suffering to love him and sorrow to love, but it is lovely to love him in spite of this, and if I should cease to do so, I should cease to exist." So, as has been said, they reached the valley very quickly.
The next surprising thing was that though the valley did seem at first a little like prison after the strong bracing air of the mountains, it turned out to be a wonderfully beautiful and peaceful place, very green and with flowers covering the fields and the banks of the river which flowed quietly through it.
Strangely enough, down there in the Valley of Loss, Much-Afraid felt more rested, more peaceful, and more content than anywhere else on the journey. It seemed too, that her two companions also underwent a strange transformation. They still held her hands, but there was neither suffering nor sorrow in the touch. It was as though they walked close beside her and went hand in hand simply for friendship's sake and for the joy of being together. (I can so relate to this part of her journey)
It is true that when Much-Afraid looked at the mountains on the other side of the valley she wondered how they would ever manage to ascend them, but she found herself content to wait restfully and to wander in the valley as long as the Shepherd chose. One thing in particular comforted her; after the hardness and slipperiness of the way on the mountains, where she had stumbled and limped so painfully, she found that in those quiet green fields she could actually walk without stumbling, and could not feel her wounds and scars and stiffness at all.
All this seemed a little strange because, of course, she really was in the Valley of Loss. Also, apparently, she was farther from the High Places than ever before. She asked the Shepherd about it one day, for the loveliest part of all was that he often walked with them down there, saying with a beautiful smile that it was one of his favorite haunts.
In answer to her question, he said, 'I am glad that you are learning to appreciate the valley too, but I think it was the altar which you built at the top, Much-Afraid, which has made it so easy for you.'
This also rather puzzled her, for she said, 'But I have noticed that after the other altars which you told me to build, the way has generally seemed harder and more testing than before.'
Again he smiled, but only remarked quietly that the important thing about altars was that they made the possibilities of apparent impossibilities, and that it was nice that on this occasion it had brought her peace and not a great struggle. She noticed that he looked at her keenly and rather strangely as he spoke, and though there was a beautiful gentleness in the look, there was also something else which she had seen before, but still did not understand. She thought it held a mixture of two things, not exactly pity-- no, that was the wrong word, but a look of wonderful compassion together with unflinching determination.
When she realized that, she thought of some words which one of the Shepherd's servants had spoken down in the Valley of Humiliation before ever the Shepherd had called her to the High Places. He had said, 'Love is beautiful, but it is also terrible-- terrible in its determination to allow nothing blemished or unworthy to remain in the beloved.'
When she remembered this, Much-Afraid thought with a little shiver in her heart, 'He will never be content until he makes me what he is determined that I ought to be,' and because she was still Much-Afraid and not yet ready to change her name, she added with a pang of fear, 'I wonder what he plans to do next, and if it will hurt very much indeed?'" I so wish I could express this as beautifully Hannah Hurnard. It so describes where I am on this journey these days...
Add Comment
LJ says...
"Love and prayers with you and yours on your journey." (6/2/09)
Hind’s Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard is a beautiful allegory dramatizing the yearning of God’s children to be led to new heights of love, joy, and victory. It follows the spiritual journey of Much-Afraid through difficult places with her two companions, Sorrow and Suffering. Much-Afraid overcomes her tormenting fears as she passes through many dangers and mounts at last to the High Places. There she gains a new name and returns to her valley of service, transformed by her union with the loving Shepherd.
Hind’s Feet on High Places is a book that I started many years ago and have never finished. It’s one that I pick up every once in awhile, read a few pages or even chapters and then put aside for a bit. Not sure why other than it seems that’s how God planned it. How do I know that? It seems that every time I pick it up I can relate to where Much-Afraid is in her journey to “high places.” I think God planned it that way… in fact I am sure that He did. Since the end of April I have felt sort of “idle.” Like nothing is going on… no progress forward but not backwards either. I have a hard time dealing with idleness. It feels wrong somehow. It’s hard to explain. A couple of weeks ago I picked it up and began to read. I continue to be amazed at how He speaks to me so clearly and timely.
This is what He said to me through the words Hannah Hurnard and the experience of Much-Afraid: “Shepherd, Shepherd! Help me! Where are you? Don’t leave me! Next instant she was clinging to him and trembling from head to foot, and sobbing over and over again. ‘You may do anything, Shepherd. You may do anything—only don’t let me turn back. O my Lord, don’t let me leave you. Entreat me not to leave thee nor to return from following after thee.’ He lifter her up, supported her by his arm, and with his own hand wiped the tears from her cheeks, then said in his strong, cheery voice, ‘There is no question of your turning back, Much-Afraid. No one, not even your own shrinking heart, can pluck you out of my hand. Don’t you remember what I told you before? This delay is not unto death but for the glory of God… Will you go down this path of forgiveness into the Valley of Loss just because it is the way that I have chosen for you? Will you still trust and still love me?’ Considering how steep the descent into the Valley of Loss, it seemed surprisingly easy (not sure about that...), but perhaps that was because Much-Afraid desired with her whole body will make it in a way that would satisfy and please the Shepherd. The awful glimpse down into the abyss of an existence without him has so staggered and appalled her heart that she felt she could never be quite the same again. However, it opened her eyes to the fact that right down in the depths of her own heart she really had but one passionate desire, not for the things which the Shepherd had promised, but for himself. All she wanted was to be allowed to follow him forever.
Other desires might clamor strongly and fiercely nearer the surface of her nature, but she knew now that deep down in the core of her own being she was so shaped that nothing could fit, fill, or satisfy her heart but he himself. "Nothing else really matters," she said to herself, "only to love him and to do what he tells me. I don't know quiet why it should be so, but it is. All the time it is suffering to love him and sorrow to love, but it is lovely to love him in spite of this, and if I should cease to do so, I should cease to exist." So, as has been said, they reached the valley very quickly.
The next surprising thing was that though the valley did seem at first a little like prison after the strong bracing air of the mountains, it turned out to be a wonderfully beautiful and peaceful place, very green and with flowers covering the fields and the banks of the river which flowed quietly through it.
Strangely enough, down there in the Valley of Loss, Much-Afraid felt more rested, more peaceful, and more content than anywhere else on the journey. It seemed too, that her two companions also underwent a strange transformation. They still held her hands, but there was neither suffering nor sorrow in the touch. It was as though they walked close beside her and went hand in hand simply for friendship's sake and for the joy of being together. (I can so relate to this part of her journey)
It is true that when Much-Afraid looked at the mountains on the other side of the valley she wondered how they would ever manage to ascend them, but she found herself content to wait restfully and to wander in the valley as long as the Shepherd chose. One thing in particular comforted her; after the hardness and slipperiness of the way on the mountains, where she had stumbled and limped so painfully, she found that in those quiet green fields she could actually walk without stumbling, and could not feel her wounds and scars and stiffness at all.
All this seemed a little strange because, of course, she really was in the Valley of Loss. Also, apparently, she was farther from the High Places than ever before. She asked the Shepherd about it one day, for the loveliest part of all was that he often walked with them down there, saying with a beautiful smile that it was one of his favorite haunts.
In answer to her question, he said, 'I am glad that you are learning to appreciate the valley too, but I think it was the altar which you built at the top, Much-Afraid, which has made it so easy for you.'
This also rather puzzled her, for she said, 'But I have noticed that after the other altars which you told me to build, the way has generally seemed harder and more testing than before.'
Again he smiled, but only remarked quietly that the important thing about altars was that they made the possibilities of apparent impossibilities, and that it was nice that on this occasion it had brought her peace and not a great struggle. She noticed that he looked at her keenly and rather strangely as he spoke, and though there was a beautiful gentleness in the look, there was also something else which she had seen before, but still did not understand. She thought it held a mixture of two things, not exactly pity-- no, that was the wrong word, but a look of wonderful compassion together with unflinching determination.
When she realized that, she thought of some words which one of the Shepherd's servants had spoken down in the Valley of Humiliation before ever the Shepherd had called her to the High Places. He had said, 'Love is beautiful, but it is also terrible-- terrible in its determination to allow nothing blemished or unworthy to remain in the beloved.'
When she remembered this, Much-Afraid thought with a little shiver in her heart, 'He will never be content until he makes me what he is determined that I ought to be,' and because she was still Much-Afraid and not yet ready to change her name, she added with a pang of fear, 'I wonder what he plans to do next, and if it will hurt very much indeed?'" I so wish I could express this as beautifully Hannah Hurnard. It so describes where I am on this journey these days...
Add Comment
LJ says...
"Love and prayers with you and yours on your journey." (6/2/09)
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
long lost friends...
A long lost friend from WNJ found me on Facebook... she went to the easysite. After spending hours reading the whole thing she left the sweetest message. I wanted to share part of it. I read it the beginning of May and was going through my FB mail and reread it. She reminded me of a conversation I had with Rachel when she was four... I needed this today! "...you came to work one night and told me something she had said and it had shocked you. She had told you that day that she loved Jesus and she wanted to go be with him. You said you were shocked that a 4 year old would say that. I asked you what your response was to her and you said that you wanted her to be with Jesus but just not yet." I had totally forgotten about it but now I remember it clearly and what a precious memory. I am so glad to be reminded that she loved Him, not that I ever doubted it but just neat to be reminded how young she was with a heart for Him. And so glad she is where she wanted most to be. I needed it today... last night I discovered that the girls did not have enough "fast girls" to make up a mile relay team. It really hit home and probably had a lot to do with why I did not sleep last night. It was Rachel's favorite race. Anyway, just thought I would share.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Something about Thursdays...
Lately there is something about Thursday. Last Thursday, I really missed my daddy and it all started with Tuna Fish salad. Yes tuna fish salad… He loved it when I made tuna fish salad, he loved how I made it, he said it was his favorite. I was crying before I ever started chopping the onions. Oh how I miss him… then I started missing her…
Tonight I was reading facebook posts and read that there was no girl’s mile relay team. They didn’t have enough “fast” girls for that relay. She was fast and LOVED that race, it was her favorite! Oh how I miss her…
Oh how I miss them…
Tonight I was reading facebook posts and read that there was no girl’s mile relay team. They didn’t have enough “fast” girls for that relay. She was fast and LOVED that race, it was her favorite! Oh how I miss her…
Oh how I miss them…
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
All I need is HIM...
Not sure where to start… so many memories, so many things learned, so many ways I’ve grown or should I say He’s grown me. Probably the one that stands out the most clearly because it was recent or maybe because it the greatest maybe most important lesson I have learned this year.
I need to start by going back to the end of March. In dreading this month, even this day (April 28th) I had been praying for a dream ~ a dream where I could see her, hold her, talk to her or even hear her sweet voice. One evening early in April I had a dream, a horrible dream. I was standing before a big black conveyor belt ~ I knew it would take me to her but somehow it felt wrong. As I tried to pull my arms back it was as if they would not move. I knew I was not supposed to go wherever that belt would take me. The dream scared me and I tried really hard to wake up. When I finally woke up, I was afraid to go back to sleep for fear the dream would be “to be continued.” I wanted to see her but not like that, it felt wrong. I realized then that I should be a bit more careful with my prayers to see her, hold her or even feel her in my arms.
Several weeks later, I was having trouble sleeping again. Up & down, up & down trying to sleep. I was trying to pray myself back to sleep, I had been up since 2am and it was now almost 5am. I was praying about many things but what I remember specifically was praying about my need to see Rachel, hear her voice even if just for a moment. Yes, I can be a little stubborn and hardheaded, even a little persistent. God very gently reminded me of my real need ~ I need MORE of Him. It was as if I heard Him say it. More of HIM... that is my real need. He is always so faithful to gently remind me He knows better, He knows my real need... My want is not always what He wants for me, I need more of Him. I agreed with Him and let what I wanted go... if He wants to let me see her, hear her, feel her touch then He will allow it to happen. I gave up my desire and kept thinking to myself... I need MORE of you Lord, that is ALL I need. I easily fell back to sleep and was able to sleep for a few hours before getting up to go to church.
We came home from church that afternoon and laid down for a nap. HE gave me this dream: I was sitting at my desk upstairs, Rachel was sitting in the rope bottom chair that my great-great grandfather made for the woman I am named after, Georgia Burgess Copeland. Rachel was talking to me… she had this plan to go back to school in the fall. She was talking ninety to nothing like she always did when she was really excited about something. She seemed to have a really good plan and was really excited about it, she was even very proud of herself. She finally asked me what I thought of her plan and it broke my heart to explain to her that it was not possible legally. Her social security number had been recorded at her death. She was heartbroken… she cried, I cried. She asked me “did she hurt us?” I told her yes and she apologized for hurting us so much. “I am so sorry momma.” Oh baby ~ it’s okay, I love you so much. It felt amazing to hold her and comfort her as we wept together. For some reason I asked her if I was hard on her, she replied “yes.” I too apologized and told her it was because I loved her. She understood and we both just held each other and cried. It felt so good to “talk to her, hold her and tell her I love her.” She does live with us forever, in our memories and our hearts. I can still almost feel her in my arms and hear her sweet voice. She even seemed a year older and more mature. Her hair was wavy, she was wearing a t-shirt and shorts. She even smelled like Bath and Body Works Sweet Pea. I also remember thinking that without a SS # she would have to live with us forever. Amazing! She does lives with us forever. In our hearts and precious memories we carry with us EVERY. DAY.
The timing of this dream is no accident, it was ordained by God. Less than 24 hours before I gave up my desire and realized His. When I was obedient to Him and realized that ALL I need is Him and MORE of Him, He gave me the desire of my heart. That is the GREATEST lesson I learned his year. What a precious gift. Thank you Lord!
Add Comment
Victoria says...
"You are amazing! The ability to share with us your pain & your joy in remembering Rachel. There is no doubt that God has been with you EVERY step this past year. You are right, all we need is HIM! Thank you for sharing - MAY GOD BLESS YOU!" (4/28/09)
Brenda Simmons says...
"Georgia,
Many of us are on the North end reading your Blog. We are all crying. What you wrote and how you describe your experiences are touching us all. God bless you as you continue on this journey. It will be a lifetime journey for you. Daily you will think of Rachel and long for the day you wrap your arms around her once more.
Brenda
" (4/29/09)
Ronda Kersey says...
"Georgia,
Once again I want to say what an amazing inspiration you are to all. Your strength & faith is amazing & I feel so blessed to have you as my friend. My thoughts & prayers are with you always & especially this week as you celebrate & remember Rachel's precious life. Thank you for being you!
Ronda" (4/29/09)
Emiley says...
"I feel so blessed to know you!! I hope you know just how admired you are!! What a PRECIOUS gift!!! Thank-you so much for sharing!!" (4/30/09)
Pam Ferron says...
"Georgia,
I weep as I read about your dream and so happy that God gave it to you and allowed you to see Rachel again and to speak with her and hold her. Thank you for being at the Potter's wheel and letting everyone see it. Bless you dear lady!" (4/30/09)
I need to start by going back to the end of March. In dreading this month, even this day (April 28th) I had been praying for a dream ~ a dream where I could see her, hold her, talk to her or even hear her sweet voice. One evening early in April I had a dream, a horrible dream. I was standing before a big black conveyor belt ~ I knew it would take me to her but somehow it felt wrong. As I tried to pull my arms back it was as if they would not move. I knew I was not supposed to go wherever that belt would take me. The dream scared me and I tried really hard to wake up. When I finally woke up, I was afraid to go back to sleep for fear the dream would be “to be continued.” I wanted to see her but not like that, it felt wrong. I realized then that I should be a bit more careful with my prayers to see her, hold her or even feel her in my arms.
Several weeks later, I was having trouble sleeping again. Up & down, up & down trying to sleep. I was trying to pray myself back to sleep, I had been up since 2am and it was now almost 5am. I was praying about many things but what I remember specifically was praying about my need to see Rachel, hear her voice even if just for a moment. Yes, I can be a little stubborn and hardheaded, even a little persistent. God very gently reminded me of my real need ~ I need MORE of Him. It was as if I heard Him say it. More of HIM... that is my real need. He is always so faithful to gently remind me He knows better, He knows my real need... My want is not always what He wants for me, I need more of Him. I agreed with Him and let what I wanted go... if He wants to let me see her, hear her, feel her touch then He will allow it to happen. I gave up my desire and kept thinking to myself... I need MORE of you Lord, that is ALL I need. I easily fell back to sleep and was able to sleep for a few hours before getting up to go to church.
We came home from church that afternoon and laid down for a nap. HE gave me this dream: I was sitting at my desk upstairs, Rachel was sitting in the rope bottom chair that my great-great grandfather made for the woman I am named after, Georgia Burgess Copeland. Rachel was talking to me… she had this plan to go back to school in the fall. She was talking ninety to nothing like she always did when she was really excited about something. She seemed to have a really good plan and was really excited about it, she was even very proud of herself. She finally asked me what I thought of her plan and it broke my heart to explain to her that it was not possible legally. Her social security number had been recorded at her death. She was heartbroken… she cried, I cried. She asked me “did she hurt us?” I told her yes and she apologized for hurting us so much. “I am so sorry momma.” Oh baby ~ it’s okay, I love you so much. It felt amazing to hold her and comfort her as we wept together. For some reason I asked her if I was hard on her, she replied “yes.” I too apologized and told her it was because I loved her. She understood and we both just held each other and cried. It felt so good to “talk to her, hold her and tell her I love her.” She does live with us forever, in our memories and our hearts. I can still almost feel her in my arms and hear her sweet voice. She even seemed a year older and more mature. Her hair was wavy, she was wearing a t-shirt and shorts. She even smelled like Bath and Body Works Sweet Pea. I also remember thinking that without a SS # she would have to live with us forever. Amazing! She does lives with us forever. In our hearts and precious memories we carry with us EVERY. DAY.
The timing of this dream is no accident, it was ordained by God. Less than 24 hours before I gave up my desire and realized His. When I was obedient to Him and realized that ALL I need is Him and MORE of Him, He gave me the desire of my heart. That is the GREATEST lesson I learned his year. What a precious gift. Thank you Lord!
Add Comment
Victoria says...
"You are amazing! The ability to share with us your pain & your joy in remembering Rachel. There is no doubt that God has been with you EVERY step this past year. You are right, all we need is HIM! Thank you for sharing - MAY GOD BLESS YOU!" (4/28/09)
Brenda Simmons says...
"Georgia,
Many of us are on the North end reading your Blog. We are all crying. What you wrote and how you describe your experiences are touching us all. God bless you as you continue on this journey. It will be a lifetime journey for you. Daily you will think of Rachel and long for the day you wrap your arms around her once more.
Brenda
" (4/29/09)
Ronda Kersey says...
"Georgia,
Once again I want to say what an amazing inspiration you are to all. Your strength & faith is amazing & I feel so blessed to have you as my friend. My thoughts & prayers are with you always & especially this week as you celebrate & remember Rachel's precious life. Thank you for being you!
Ronda" (4/29/09)
Emiley says...
"I feel so blessed to know you!! I hope you know just how admired you are!! What a PRECIOUS gift!!! Thank-you so much for sharing!!" (4/30/09)
Pam Ferron says...
"Georgia,
I weep as I read about your dream and so happy that God gave it to you and allowed you to see Rachel again and to speak with her and hold her. Thank you for being at the Potter's wheel and letting everyone see it. Bless you dear lady!" (4/30/09)
Never thought I would be standing here…
It's really hard to believe it's been a year...
I never in a million years thought I would be standing here… but here I stand. The journey has been sweet. Is it one I would have asked for or signed up for? Absolutely NOT! But here I stand. And I am thankful that the Lord did not allow me to stand here long. I am thankful that HE urged me on this last year, urged me to take one step after another and brought me one step closer to Him every time. I am thankful for every lesson learned this year. Was is it easy ~ no. Is it easier ~ sometimes maybe a little bit. Do I miss her ~ yes. Do I long to hold her ~ yes. Do I long to hear her sweet voice say "I love you momma, or sleep, sleep" ~ yes. Do I want her back ~ NO! Does that diminish my love for her ~ NO! I would have missed this incredible journey with HIM.
Add Comment
Marie says...
"I am praying for you today. It seems to me though, that God already has you wrapped up tight. Your example of a Christian woman is awesome. You give other people around you a peace that is undescribable. I hope you are able to go on someday and help other women, if you haven't already, to cope with this kind of loss. God's plan for you has unfolded so beautifully. Only he can make something like a child's passing turn into an amazing and shining example like you've become. I know that we are all suppose to know the order(God Wife Mother Friend), but sometimes is so hard to keep your life just in that order, but here you've done it. I'm so proud to know you and get to share your space. Thanks for this amazing web site. I bet you never really thought that something so personal for you and your family would be able to touch and help heal so many other people. You're ok, you lived thru all of this and are a better person for it. People always try to tell you that it will turn out that way, but who really ever thinks it will happen. Love you girl." (4/28/09)
Emiley says...
"I am praying for you today Georgia!! I weep for you today!! Love ya!!" (4/28/09)
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Journey to Beauty Instead of Ashes...
I have been up, down and all over the place this week. I knew that the Lord was leading me to tackle something difficult and be done with a certain task one last time. I had so many questions and visions of what happened that night a year ago. I needed answers. In January, with help from our pastor, Leon and others I went back to “that night.” Those accounts answered many of my questions and confirmed others. I needed it. It hurt, it was hard, it and made me angry. Angry at her, at Him and myself. It made me tackle feelings and emotions that needed addressing. It was very healing and a part of the journey that I needed. I put those accounts in a notebook and let them be for awhile. I knew back then that He would ask me go back there one more time and then He would ask me to burn them at some point. HE kept taking me back to this “and provide for those who grieve in Zion ~ to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” ~ Isaiah 61:3
I knew when I got up this morning that today would be the day and had prayed and prayed and prayed over it. I sat down to go over them and almost immediately felt Him tell me
Go to the cemetery
the cemetery?
Yes, the cemetery
I gathered up my things and went to the cemetery. I sat down by her headstone and began to read them aloud.
All of them. I wept at times, cried out to Him at times, I even smiled and chuckled a few times. Remembering those chipped “hot pink” fingernails made me laugh. I sat there for a bit and just enjoyed the breeze and time spent with Him. I smiled at the thought of Rachel meeting those family members that had gone before and her greeting her Papa Fred and of course my daddy. Those thoughts really warmed my heart. I have been at peace with Rachel since my dream last week but this time spent at the cemetery really confirmed that peace.
I came home not knowing when HE would prompt me to burn them. Honestly I thought it would be on April 28th. I came inside and wrote a few thoughts down and thought I was done for the day…
Now
Now?
Now
Okay, where? It’s awfully windy. The only place I could think of without starting a neighborhood fire was the grill and yes I was worried about that. Again, I quickly gathered up my things, grabbed some matches and headed outside. I cleaned out the grill, layed the papers down and lit them. As I watched them burn, I thanked Him for the last year.
I thanked Him for the journey with Him. It has been sweet. It has been a gift. I thanked Him for the gift of her life and yes the gift of her death. And yes, that is hard to write but I truly mean it. God is good. All the time!
And now I have these beautiful ashes… a wondrous reminder of how He has worked this past year.
Add Comment
Carrie says...
"Thank you for sharing your journey. You are truley a role model and a wonderful big sister. Love Carrie" (4/28/09)
Aunt Judy says...
"I have cried and mourned with you, Chris and Andrew through this year. It's a blessed assurance that our loved ones are all together in Heaven. " (4/28/09)
Robin says...
"I am crying now as I read this. You have truly been on a journey this past year and God has revealed so much of Himself to you. I think you should consider writing a book about the year after losing a child. You have such a way of capturing what you are feeling with words. Love you so much!" (4/28/09)
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