Hello's

GOD is so awesome, just this morning those pennies are still on my bathroom counter and I thought about you and our precious kids. My first thought was, maybe it's time I give these pennies to Georgia and then I started thinking about our girls. But I have always heard a penny found on tails is bad luck if you pick it up, so I never would pick them up, until someone told me after Amy passed that pennies were Hello's from heaven. Now I pick them up all the time and most of the time just when I need a Hello the most. That Monday night at the hospital, just out the doors of the hospital only minutes after Rachel went to be with The Lord (and Amy and Steven), there lay three pennies side by side. When I saw them my thought was, there are 3 couples here tonight that has lost their child (me and Lonnie, James Claborn, and now Chris and Georgia). Those 3 Hello from Heaven pennies told me, Rachel was in Heaven safely with Amy and Steven. I picked those pennies up and said "Thank you, Jesus" & brought them home to give to you. I know this sounds silly to some folks, but I know God placed those pennies just for me to see that night, otherwise someone else might have just walked right over them. Those pennies were meant for you and me. We paid a high price for 3 pennies, but the Hello from heaven is priceless.

Thank you Jackie...

More than a memory

I have been mulling over in my mind a blog for a week or so, it has taken until now to put it together. It’s been a hard one. Stay with me… it’s all over the place. I can’t seem to organize my thoughts…

Here goes...

It’s been almost 4 months… that’s really hard to write. It also hurts to realize that time moves on without her. Broken, that is what I am today…

These words are borrowed from a friend… I love them. “There is much that the enemy cannot take from us. He cannot take our memories, our pure love, the way we have held each other up… he cannot.

He cannot have our hope, nor our inexplicable peace. NEVER!

How do I make it through the days… every day is new. Some days are really great ones and others are really, really hard ones. I ask Him everyday for the strength that He promised me to make it through yet another day.

Sometimes the memories from that night come back… I remember getting the phone call. I remember how all of my Baylor buddies sprang into action and prayed over me. I remember going to Daddy’s and telling him. I remember telling Marianne over and over and over again… she’s going to be OK no matter what, meaning, if she lived or even if she died. I remember feeling His presence in that ER room when He came to take her home. I remember pressing my ear to her chest so I could hear her heart beat. I remember talking to her and telling her over and over “I love you baby girl.” I also remember repeating over and over again, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13) and For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)” I also remember telling her as I felt her slipping away “it’s Ok, go be with Jesus.” I remember the moment she died. It was 11:10 pm. I remember kissing her cute little nose, running my hands over her fingers, looking at her feet and kissing each one of her toes, so many memories from that night. Hard ones, yet so comforting too. Memories of His comfort shown to us through hospital cha


plains, a pastor we had never met, our pastor, family and so many friends. Hearing that when people in Whitewright got the news, they headed straight for church to pray. I also know that she is OK, just like He promised. She is in heaven worshipping the King of Kings. Hallelujah!!!

Have I been mad, yes… at anyone or anything no. I guess my anger has really been directed at the one who comes to steal, kill and destroy. Why did God allow it to happen? I don’t think that we will ever know, but I believe God was there. I believe He had tears in His eyes as He watched us grieve. I believe he wept and continues to weap with us. Every moment of every day, I believe He is with me even as I’ve sat in the shower and screamed and cried. Even as I’ve sat in her closet and clutched or even smelled her things. Even as I’ve cried all the way to work or home from work, knowing she will not be here when I get home. Even as I sit here knowing that today was the first time I’ve never had a child to take to school. I know that we will never understand this side of eternity but I do know that when I get to heaven I will see her sweet smile and hear her sweet voice say “momma.” When that day comes none of the why’s will matter anymore.

I know that He wants us to share this experience, if we were to retreat from everyone and everything how would that honor her? It certainly would not honor the One who gave her to us. And He knows our pain, afterall He exerienced it. God is no stranger to grief… He knows exactly what it’s like to lose a child. Just as He could have breathed life back into Rachel and gave her life, He could have allowed His one and only Son to live, but He didn’t. Talk about heartbreak… Instead He rescued us, all of us who know Him. He promised that He’s near the broken hearted and I have never felt Him more.

I have told God several times since that night, that YOU cannot ask this of me… it’s too hard… I CAN’T do this! I’ve had my share of grief and hard times, why more? Then I read Beth Moore’s Get Out of That Pit and was reminded that “if God allowed us to be thrown into a pit, we weren’t picked on; we were picked out. God entrusted this suffering to us because He has faith in us. We are going to live up to it. All the way up.”

True Worship

As I sat listening to the sermon yesterday I learned a few things… I learned that true worship can and should happen anywhere and everywhere! True worship is bowing down before Him in amazement and so in awe of His presence that we fall prostrate before Him. It is an attitude of the heart. True worship is relational not religious. It IS the true surrender of the heart of the created to the heart of the creator. Worship is loving Him out loud. As I sat listening I also reflected on last week. Here are my thoughts… Worship for me last week was hard and at times grueling and occurred in some surprising and not so surprising places. I experienced worship at the cemetery grieving, in a fender bender on I-35 in 5 o'clock traffic and at the Steven Curtis Chapman concert. All these worship times were amazing in their own way…

As I sat at the cemetery, I sat in the somewhat fresh dirt, placed flowers on Rachel's grave and cried, the pain is still so deep. How long is this thing called healing going to take and will we ever be healed? He revealed to me through a fellow blogger that yes we will be healed, but there will be always be a scar. And the scar will be a reminder of not only the past pain but also the work of Him, the Great Healer. If we continue to worship Him in our grief, He will continue to apply His healing balm from His loving hand which will heal us perfectly in His time. (thank you K. Hasenbalg for those words of encouragement.) Yes I worshipped at the cemetery, thank you Jesus for meeting me there.

As I was driving to work on Tues, I got caught up in rush hour traffic, are you surprised? I sort of got lost in my thoughts and rolled into an old truck, a small one thank goodness. We pulled over to the access road and he immediately pointed out to me ever so kindly that his truck was old and already beat up. There was no way to tell what damage my car had done and my license plate only has a small dent. He didn't want to do anything about it. He was so kind… I immediately began to cry and he became worried that I was hurt, I assured him that I was not… I was just an emotional mess. I shared with him that we had experienced a death in our family, our daughter in fact. He asked if it alright to pray with me. Of course! This guy knows how to love out loud! We sat in my car in rush hour traffic and worshipped as he prayed the sweetest prayer. I am still in awe and amazement of His goodness even in rush hour traffic!

At the beginning of the Steven Curtis Chapman concert he sat behind a keyboard saying, "I'm not really a piano player, I just wanted something to kind of hide behind, I am terrified." This was his first concert without the band since the accident. Then he sang "Blessed Be Your Name," the first song that came to his mind that tragic night. He then shared Jeremiah 29:11, For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." One of the same verses that came to my mind as I saw Rachel in the ER that tragic night.

It was as if he was sitting there visiting with a group of dear friends. He even had a way of making you feel like he was just sitting down to play you a song and tell you a story...just the two of you. He shared stories about Maria, his memories of her, how God melted their hearts together at their first meeting, how she came to know Jesus....it was an amazing time. He even apologized for going on and on, but said he had had somewhat of a sad day and just wanted to remember. Steven - you know we would have listened to you talk for the rest of the night if you had wanted to.

He shared a message of hope and faith. He poured out his heart even in his fear and pain. It was intimate and special. He shared that more important than the questions is the confidence that they have in Him. He was so vulnerable and honest. He was real. He was transparent. It was him, and us and the Lord. It was impactful to see this broken, hurting man so fully, completely trusting in His God. He said "I know God more than I ever have before and yet I know less than before." I completely agree. I will never forget some of the things Steven shared. I will never forget his voice as he literally cried out to Jesus through some songs. I will never forget the Cinderella moment as everyone stood and raised their hands to show their love to Steven, his tears, his hope, his laughter and above all his desire to share the gospel and glorify God.

I was honored to hear his new verse for "Yours"

"I've walked through the valley of the shadow of death,
so deep and dark that I could barely breathe
I've had to let go of more than I could bear
And questioned everything that I believe
But still even here
in this great darkness
A comfort and hope come breaking through
As I can say in life or death
God we belong to you"

And even though he never sang "Speechless," I left speechless and changed.

Psalm 138: 1-2 & 7-8
I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart;
before the "gods" I will sing your praise.
I will bow down toward your holy temple
and will praise your name
for your love and your faithfulness,
for you have exalted above all things
your name and your word.
Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes,
with your right hand you save me.
The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever-
do not abandon the works of your hands.

HE will fulfill His purpose…

Last week was hard and at times the surfing was difficult… but I experienced some true worship! Thank you Jesus!!!

Becoming as polished stones

True Worship…

As I sat listening to the sermon yesterday I learned a few things… I learned that true worship can and should happen anywhere and everywhere! True worship is bowing down before Him in amazement and so in awe of His presence that we fall prostrate before Him. It is an attitude of the heart. True worship is relational not religious. It IS the true surrender of the heart of the created to the heart of the creator. Worship is loving Him out loud. As I sat listening I also reflected on last week. Here are my thoughts… Worship for me last week was hard and at times grueling and occurred in some surprising and not so surprising places. I experienced worship at the cemetery grieving, in a fender bender on I-35 in 5 o'clock traffic and at the Steven Curtis Chapman concert. All these worship times were amazing in their own way…

As I sat at the cemetery, I sat in the somewhat fresh dirt, placed flowers on Rachel's grave and cried, the pain is still so deep. How long is this thing called healing going to take and will we ever be healed? He revealed to me through a fellow blogger that yes we will be healed, but there will be always be a scar. And the scar will be a reminder of not only the past pain but also the work of Him, the Great Healer. If we continue to worship Him in our grief, He will continue to apply His healing balm from His loving hand which will heal us perfectly in His time. (thank you K. Hasenbalg for those words of encouragement.) Yes I worshipped at the cemetery, thank you Jesus for meeting me there.

As I was driving to work on Tues, I got caught up in rush hour traffic, are you surprised? I sort of got lost in my thoughts and rolled into an old truck, a small one thank goodness. We pulled over to the access road and he immediately pointed out to me ever so kindly that his truck was old and already beat up. There was no way to tell what damage my car had done and my license plate only has a small dent. He didn't want to do anything about it. He was so kind… I immediately began to cry and he became worried that I was hurt, I assured him that I was not… I was just an emotional mess. I shared with him that we had experienced a death in our family, our daughter in fact. He asked if it alright to pray with me. Of course! This guy knows how to love out loud! We sat in my car in rush hour traffic and worshipped as he prayed the sweetest prayer. I am still in awe and amazement of His goodness even in rush hour traffic!

At the beginning of the Steven Curtis Chapman concert he sat behind a keyboard saying, "I'm not really a piano player, I just wanted something to kind of hide behind, I am terrified." This was his first concert without the band since the accident. Then he sang "Blessed Be Your Name," the first song that came to his mind that tragic night. He then shared Jeremiah 29:11, For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." One of the same verses that came to my mind as I saw Rachel in the ER that tragic night.

It was as if he was sitting there visiting with a group of dear friends. He even had a way of making you feel like he was just sitting down to play you a song and tell you a story...just the two of you. He shared stories about Maria, his memories of her, how God melted their hearts together at their first meeting, how she came to know Jesus....it was an amazing time. He even apologized for going on and on, but said he had had somewhat of a sad day and just wanted to remember. Steven - you know we would have listened to you talk for the rest of the night if you had wanted to.

He shared a message of hope and faith. He poured out his heart even in his fear and pain. It was intimate and special. He shared that more important than the questions is the confidence that they have in Him. He was so vulnerable and honest. He was real. He was transparent. It was him, and us and the Lord. It was impactful to see this broken, hurting man so fully, completely trusting in His God. He said "I know God more than I ever have before and yet I know less than before." I completely agree. I will never forget some of the things Steven shared. I will never forget his voice as he literally cried out to Jesus through some songs. I will never forget the Cinderella moment as everyone stood and raised their hands to show their love to Steven, his tears, his hope, his laughter and above all his desire to share the gospel and glorify God.

I was honored to hear his new verse for "Yours"

"I've walked through the valley of the shadow of death,
so deep and dark that I could barely breathe
I've had to let go of more than I could bear
And questioned everything that I believe
But still even here
in this great darkness
A comfort and hope come breaking through
As I can say in life or death
God we belong to you"

And even though he never sang "Speechless," I left speechless and changed.

Psalm 138: 1-2 & 7-8
I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart;
before the "gods" I will sing your praise.
I will bow down toward your holy temple
and will praise your name
for your love and your faithfulness,
for you have exalted above all things
your name and your word.
Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes,
with your right hand you save me.
The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever-
do not abandon the works of your hands.

HE will fulfill His purpose…

Last week was hard and at times the surfing was difficult… but I experienced some true worship! Thank you Jesus!!!

In the midst of the wilderness

In my God appointed quiet time this early (4am, I have been up since 2am) morning I read an account of the Deeper Still conference and I was touched... I say God appointed because this week I have been up at 2 or 3 am almost every night. I have felt Him gently wake me and say "come." The harder I fought to go back to sleep the more difficult it became, He kept gently saying "come" let's sit a spell. So here I sit for the 3rd early morning in a row... There are no distractions and He knows all too well how easily I become distracted these days. I have had some sweet times with Him this week. Praise Him...

from Deeper Still:

Priscilla Shirer speaks about seeing God in the midst of the wilderness using Exodus 19:9. She said that when God wants to lead you into a divine invitation, He'll often lead us into the wilderness. It is in the wilderness where intimacy is ignited.
She talked about how it was God's choice to lead the children of Israel through the wilderness. There was an easier way, but He took them a different path to allow them to see His provision. Mount Sinai was the furthest possible place away from external blessing, but it was at this place that they received the biggest internal blessing. Sometimes it takes hard times and difficult circumstances to make us really see who God is and His power.
Priscilla used an example that has stuck with me. She compared having God's spirit poured out on you to being caught in a rainstorm. It can be uncomfortable, inconvenient, and make us want to run back to where we came from. Sometimes the hand of God doesn't look the way we expect it to.
I have spent much of the last couple of months feeling like I'm in the wilderness, often wandering aimlessly and wondering if God has a plan or a purpose. It has been hard and at times I have felt like I can't take anymore, but God has been faithful to sustain me. And, honestly, I have grown more in my faith than at any other period of my life. It's made me seek Him more because I've realized I'm not in control and I don't have the answers.
As Priscilla said, it's being able to say God I trust you. I'm not going to fight this season of life, but settle in and trust you.
There are three things we need to do to prepare to see God.
1. He calls us to remember what He has already done for us. Where you were and what He has delivered you from. We will be thankful when we remember where we've been.
Honestly, my list is too long. She also made a reference to digging through the garbage and, have mercy, I was a professional garbage digger for many a year.
2. Recognize your spiritual identity. God is the only one who can label us. He gives us our identity. Knowing who you are is dependent on really knowing who He is.
3. New levels of surrender. Holiness is important to God. Find an area you don't want to surrender and SURRENDER IT.
As Priscilla said, the Holy Spirit empowers you to submit to surrender.
Girl, I need some empowering.
When the children of Israel reached this point, God descended on Mount Sinai in the form of a mighty cloud filled with thunder and lightning. Ultimately, they let their fear hold them back and they kept their distance from the mountain. They were afraid to get the word of God for themselves.
So, Priscilla's question was "What is holding you back?"
It challenged me to take a hard look at the things I let hold me back. Things like fear and uncertainty. But I'm working on the surrender because I don't want to miss out on what God has by holding on to what I think I need or want.
I want Him to pour out His spirit on me. Even if it's uncomfortable at times. Even if there are days I can't see through the storm.
I want Him.
Is anything holding you back?

June 28th

two months... it seems like forever....

...she had the prettiest green eyes and sweet smile. And the sweetest way of saying, love you momma. When she knew her daddy was teasing her she would say "daaad..." Again in a such sweet voice, it always made us laugh

A dream

Leaving this one unedited as I typed it into my Blackberry as soon as I woke up from my dream.

I had a dream… 105 pm

I had to get up to writ this dow so I would not forget…

Rachel had been in the hospital for three dyas… we wer telling eh rgoodbye onle last time…. The nurse (karne chcker from walmart) felt her move her hand and herd her moan she was waking up… we were all with her. She was beautiful and whole, like nothing had ever happened tp her, she was alert and telling us all how much she loved us… she told us that she thought she had died. People there, the walls, denny pop, pastor, neale, glynis chris daddy, carrie, boo, steve, cathy etc...

I think it is her way of telling me from heaven she is ok!!!! She loves us!!!

Thank you god for this most beautiful dream!!!! I saw her beautiful face and she talked to me!!!! She told me she loved met! Thank you jesus!!!