Blog memories...

Reflecting and reading through my journal the first year... I wish I had new words, feelings, thoughts... still growing and healing in Him. I will say this though, the last four and a half years have been hard yet amazing. I've learned and grown more in my relationship with Him than I could ever imagine... Still so hard to say but thank you Lord for this journey with you!

March 14, 2008 Blessed…  As I am doing my Bible study, Stepping Up, I am learning about the word “blessed.” It has caused me to really reflect on the meaning of this word. I have always thought of blessed as just another way of saying happy. True, but there is so much more to this word. He continues to amaze me, I needed this today... Blessed is defined as: consecrated; sacred; holy; sanctified, worthy of adoration, reverence, or worship, divinely or supremely favored; fortunate, blissfully happy or contented. According to Beth Moore, “Biblically, one is pronounced blessed when God is present and involved in his life. The hand of God is directing all his affairs for a divine purpose, and thus, in a sense, such a person lived, coram Deo, before the face of God. Sometimes the circumstances of our suffering may not change, but the circumstances of our hearts are changed in the midst of them through a keen sense of God’s presence and a lively perception of His activity. Blessedness describes the condition of a person who reveres God, steeps her life in Him, and follows His ways. She doesn’t just look to God in spiritual or religious matters. She looks to Him in every matter. He’s not just the most important part of her life. He is her life. The result of this divine invasion is that her life operates overall with joy, peace, hope and purpose.” Blessed is what I want, it is what I desire, it is what I hunger and thirst for, it is what I pray for…

February 26, 2009 40 days of prayer and fasting…  Prayer and fasting… just what does that mean? For me it meant examining my life, I mean really examining my life in Him. And examining the “things” that were getting in the way of going “deeper” with Him. I had to deal with some stuff… it was hard. Not the actual fast… dealing with the stuff. Sure I dealt with “wanting” what I had given up as part of my fast but really that was easier than I thought. It was even sort of fun exploring new foods as I gave up others. I have learned to like some new things and realized that I can live without a lot the junk that I was eating. That wasn’t the real issue though, the issue was the stuff that was getting in the way of moving forward with Him. But first, God intended for me to rest, rest in Him awhile… Dealing with the “stuff,” now that was hard. At times I even felt like He was silent, even distant… now that was painful. I realized that He wanted me in a place of listening, learning and reflecting. I have also learned that some lessons, probably the greatest ones are learned when I am flat on my face with my mouth SHUT! I so want to see and hear Him every step of this journey. I have never longed for Him more. The stuff or my thoughts as written in my journal… February 2, 2009 ~ Jesus gave up His rights for me, what right do I have to be angry or resentful ~ I don't ~ How can I be excited to spend time with Him or even be ready when He comes if I am angry ~ I want to be excited when He comes ~ the last couple of weeks I have felt blah, like I have been stuck with my wheels spinning and getting nowhere, the word I have been looking for and couldn't find is apathy ~ I don't like it ~ I have felt idle, even numb again ~ I don't like it. At first I thought and think that this idleness was so I could rest, I can't. I sleep and still don't feel rested, how can I when I am up at 1:30 for a couple of hours at a time or just sleep fitfully. The other night after being up for a couple of hours, I almost had a nightmare, if you can call it almost... It was my dad with blood all over his face and all I could think in my dream was that I was going to see Rachel next, as Chris found her... That scared me. I remember waking myself up and thinking please don't let that happen... I prayed myself back to sleep without seeing her that way, which is very selfish on my part. I also often pray that God would take that image from Chris. ~ I am not sure I will rest until I can let go of this anger/resentment ~ yet I can't ~ Before Rachel's death I had become complacent ~ I don't want to be like that ever again ~ how can I be "one" with Him, when I am angry at Him and her ~ I can't ~ my anger/resentment is keeping me from being "like minded" and surrendered to Him ~ I don't like it ~ I MUST surrender this anger/resentment, then I will have intimacy with Him again ~ I want to, I really do but I can't seem to let go. I longed to be able to do so yesterday, yet I couldn't ~ Now I am probably a little angry with myself too ~ I'd rather be mad at me than Him or her I stayed here awhile; numb, angry, apathetic, idle, confused, angry some more… My anger and resentment are keeping me from being “like minded” with Him. That’s an uncomfortable place to be… I know that I need to work on the anger and resentment in order to have intimacy with Him. February 3, 2009  I was challenged to read and meditate on Job 28: 12-28 & 38-42: 1-6 Then the LORD answered Job from the whirlwind… Job 38:1a  Just as the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm He speaks to me in the storm, when I need Him the most. As I read and meditated further on these scriptures I began to realize: who am I to question Him? After I felt like He told me to “put my big girl panties on and listen up (38: 3b),” it was His turn to question me. His questions were tough… Did I participate in creation? Can I take care of the animals He created? Can I control the behemoth and the leviathan? What power do I have? What understanding? What control? What dominion? What authority? What wisdom? What providence? What knowledge? What freedom? What creativity? He demanded answers from Job and from me. Job felt unworthy and didn’t have any answers, neither did I. Who am I to question Him? Job was honored by God ~ God could trust Job to remain faithful in spite of everything. Can He trust me like He trusted Job? I am trying to be thankful right now for this journey. At times it’s been easier, right now NOT. However, I am learning and realizing the He has a purpose in all of our suffering. He wants to show me His wisdom. He wants the trial of our faith to work patience. Patience is not one of my gifts. I am learning… He wants to reveal character. But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will sour on the wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31 February 7, 2009 I am up at 2 am. Again… Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. James 1: 2-3 Remember the song Spirit of the Living God? Read the lyrics, they became my prayer… Spirit of the living God fall fresh on me Spirit of the living God fall fresh on me Melt me, mold me, fill me, use me Spirit of the living God fall fresh on me Fall fresh, fall down on me Fall fresh, fall down on me Melt me, mold me, fill me, use me Fall, fall, fall, fall down on me Spirit of the living God Fall afresh, fall afresh, fall afresh on me  Today in Exodus I am reading about the Israelites and their pilgrimage into the Promised land. It always amazes me how He speaks to me not only through song but more importantly, His word. In all the travels of the Israelites whenever the cloud lifted from above the tabernacle, they would set out; but if the cloud did not lift they did not set out - until the day it lifted. So the cloud of the LORD was over the tabernacle by day, and fire was in the cloud by night, in the sight of all the house of Israel during all their travels. Exodus 40:36-38  The cloud guided and protected the Israelites. They traveled and camped as God guided. I want to follow His guidance. I want to know I am right where He wants me even if it means staying put. I also know that I need to quit asking “what am I supposed to do next?” Instead I need to be asking “God, what am I supposed to be doing while I am here?” He has a purpose for this time, such a time as this… I feel like the Israelites right now… the cloud is hovering and I am supposed to stay put for now. It’s hard. He is also reminding me that He never sends me into a situation alone. He always goes before me, as He did the children of Israel when He led them with a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. He always goes before me in any journey that I encounter. He is never caught by surprise, He has always been there. He is prepared to meet my every need and knows exactly what I need forthis journey. Even better, He is with me too. I am never alone. February 9, 2009 Back to Job 28: 12-28 Trust and obey, it purifies our faith. Quit asking why ~ He is beyond my comprehension and I cannot begin to know why He allows this suffering. My part is simply to remain faithful. He may never explain why. I can’t have His wisdom. To fear Him IS wisdom. It’s better to know Him than to know the answers. This journey is shaping me for something special ~ something only He can do. February 14, 2009 I feel like He is keeping His distance from me. These last couple of weeks ~ no comfort or little comfort. He could do something, yet He doesn’t. Why? Maybe it’s to deepen my desire for Him, for His presence, to strengthen my passion to pursue Him, to help me see how preoccupied I have been with filling myself with something less than Him. I know God has a dream for my life, why can’t I just be patient and wait? He wants me to have true joy. So I have sat here ALL day watching sappy “chick flicks” on TV and realizing Rachel would be parked in her bed or on the love seat snuggled up under a bunch a blankets watching all of them with me. She would laugh at me when I cry. After all they are pretty corny, but she knew what a bawl bag I am and got a pretty big kick out of it. The feeling of numbness is wearing off, quickly I am afraid. The hurt, the pain, the missing her, the heartbreak of NEVER seeing her, hearing her sweet voice, seeing her precious and vibrant smile again all come flooding back. And no card with a five dollar bill in it from my daddy. I find myself in her room, in her closet taking her all in, looking at all the photos, touching her clothes. Her smell is still there. I know I will see her again someday, but I long for that moment right now! February 18, 2009 You rejoice in this, though now for a short time you have had to be distressed by various trials so that the genuineness of your faith – more valuable than gold, which perishes though refined by fire – may result in praise, glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. I Peter 1: 6 & 7 Dear friends, when the fiery ordeal arises among you to test you, don’t be surprised by it, as if something unusual were happening to you. I Peter 4:12 Now the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will personally restore, establish, strengthen, and support you after you have suffered a little. I Peter 5:10 Bear with me, I am all over the map today. This month has been a struggle… I have walked silently though this valley of uncertainty. I haven’t always understood, but the longer He has walked and talked with me the clearer things have become. He has reminded me that this “shattered dream” is for my benefit. His presence has become more real than ever; it is only when my dreams are completely “shattered” that I am able to see more clearly, the only ONE who really matters ~ Jesus. The memories are flooding back… the Sunday afternoon one last kiss before I left for work, calling one more time after I left, I heard her voice for the last time. I can almost hear it now. The phone call. The girls at work gathering around me to pray, helping me get my stuff together, making phone calls and taking me to my daddy, then to Parkland. Telling my daddy. The drive over to Parkland, telling Marianne she was going to be okay no matter what, even if we didn't get to keep her. I told her that over and over again. Arriving at Parkland at EXACTLY the same time Chris did. Seeing his face. Feeling his embrace and love even in his own anguish. Going into "that room" and hearing what the Dr had to say about my baby girl. Seeing her in the ER. Telling her goodbye, one last time. Telling her I love her and she was the best girl ever. Telling her to go be with Jesus over and over again. Resting my head on her chest until I could no longer hear her heart beat. Praying scripture over her... "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and For I know that plans I have for you..." Kissing her on the cheek on more time, kissing each of her fingers and yes her toes. Being overwhelmed by ALL the people that came to be with us. Telling Chris that we would not let Satan have us. Promising him I would NEVER blame him. Feeling his guilt. Seeing Andrew for the first time. Oh, the relief. So many memories, so many firsts... Watching "chick flicks" without her. Valentine's Day without her this year. Hard. The anger, the apathy, the numbness, the resentment; all gone for now… Now there is just pain, the pain of missing her. Why does it get on my last nerve when people say, “when you lost Rachel?” Why? Because we did not lose her, she will always be with us. She will live on in our hearts and memories, always. Always. I see bits of her everywhere. I see how she touched and changed lives and continues to do so. She is still changing mine. I love that! I want to quit dwelling on her death. I want to dwell on the sweet memories and the life she lived with us. I want her life to change others. It is our hope and prayer that His story, her story, our story changes hearts to accept the love and protection that come only from HIM! Have I been resigned or surrendered to this journey? Or to this grief? Honestly, at times both. I want to be surrendered. I don’t have to understand, I just have to be surrendered. Back to Job 38 – 42, who am I? He is either sovereign in my life or not. This last month I have been resigned to it. I want to be surrendered. I am ready to be surrendered. I want… ONE heart, ONE mind, ONE passion, ONE covenant. I want to be surrendered to His plan. I want Him to show me what is next. I want joy that permeates this sorrow. I want this… You turned my wailing into dancing; You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, so that my heart may sing you to You and not be silent. O LORD my God I will give you thanks forever. Psalm 30: 11-12 He keeps leading me back to this: to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of his splendor. Isaiah 61:3 February 21, 2009 Finally took down the Christmas stuff today. It was easier than I thought, until I got to her stocking… I gazed at it hanging there, I took it down and held it for a moment. I clutched it to my chest and cried. Then He gently reminded me that we are walking on new ground and He is doing a new thing… God is up to something big, bigger than me. I am reminded of the words to the song “Whatever You’re Doing” Whatever You're doing inside of me It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see, But I'm giving in to something heavenly Time for a milestone, time to begin again, re-evaluate who I really am Am I doing everything to follow Your will or just climbing aimlessly over these hills? So show me what it is You want from me I give everything - I surrender Time to face up, clean this old house Time to breathe in and let everything out that I've wanted to say for so many years Time to release all my held back tears Whatever You're doing inside of me It feels like chaos, but I believe ... You're up to something bigger than me Larger than life, something heavenly Whatever You're doing inside of me It feels like chaos, but now I can see This is something bigger than me Larger than life Something heavenly  I am excited to see what this new thing is, it’s new ground… February 22, 2009 40 days… WOW! April 25, 2009 Beautiful ashes…  I have been up, down and all over the place this week. I knew that the Lord was leading me to tackle something difficult and be done with a certain task one last time. I had so many questions and visions of what happened that night a year ago. I needed answers. In January, with help from our pastor, Leon and others I went back to “that night.” Those accounts answered many of my questions and confirmed others. I needed it. It hurt, it was hard, it and made me angry. Angry at her, at Him and myself. It made me tackle feelings and emotions that needed addressing. It was very healing and a part of the journey that I needed. I put those accounts in a notebook and let them be for awhile. I knew back then that He would ask me go back there one more time and then He would ask me to burn them at some point. HE kept taking me back to this  "a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.”  I knew when I got up this morning that today would be the day and had prayed and prayed and prayed over it. I sat down to go over them and almost immediately felt Him tell me Go to the cemetery the cemetery? Yes, the cemetery I gathered up my things and went to the cemetery. I sat down by her headstone and began to read them aloud. All of them. I wept at times, cried out to Him at times, I even smiled and chuckled a few times. Remembering those chipped “hot pink” fingernails made me laugh. I sat there for a bit and just enjoyed the breeze and time spent with Him. I smiled at the thought of Rachel meeting those family members that had gone before and her greeting her Papa Fred and of course my daddy. Those thoughts really warmed my heart. I have been at peace with Rachel since my dream last week but this time spent at the cemetery really confirmed that peace. I came home not knowing when HE would prompt me to burn them. Honestly I thought it would be on April 28th. I came inside and wrote a few thoughts down and thought I was done for the day… Now Now? Now  Okay, where? It’s awfully windy. The only place I could think of without starting a neighborhood fire was the grill and yes I was worried about that. Again, I quickly gathered up my things, grabbed some matches and headed outside. I cleaned out the grill, layed the papers down and lit them. As I watched them burn, I thanked Him for the last year. I thanked Him for the journey with Him. It has been sweet. It has been a gift. I thanked Him for the gift of her life and yes the gift of her death. And yes, that is hard to write but I truly mean it. God is good. All the time! And now I have these beautiful ashes… a wondrous reminder of how He has worked this past year. April 28, 2009 All I need is Him... Not sure where to start… so many memories, so many things learned, so many ways I’ve grown or should I say He’s grown me. Probably the one that stands out the most clearly because it was recent or maybe because it the greatest maybe most important lesson I have learned this year.  I need to start by going back to the end of March. In dreading this month, even this day (April 28th) I had been praying for a dream ~ a dream where I could see her, hold her, talk to her or even hear her sweet voice. One evening early in April I had a dream, a horrible dream. I was standing before a big black conveyor belt ~ I knew it would take me to her but somehow it felt wrong. As I tried to pull my arms back it was as if they would not move. I knew I was not supposed to go wherever that belt would take me. The dream scared me and I really tried hard to wake up. When I finally woke up, I was afraid to go back to sleep for fear the dream would be “to be continued.” I wanted to see her badly but not like that, it felt wrong. I realized then that I should be a bit more careful with my prayer to see her, hold her or even feel her in my arms.  Several weeks later, I was having trouble sleeping again. Up & down, up & down trying to sleep. I was trying to pray myself back to sleep, I had been up since 2am and it was now almost 5am. I was praying about many things but what I remember specifically was praying about my need to see Rachel, hear her voice even if just for a moment. Yes, I can be a little stubborn and hardheaded, even a little persistent. God very gently reminded me of my real need ~ I need MORE of Him. It was as if I heard Him say it. More of HIM... that is my real need. He is always so faithful to gently remind me He knows better, He knows my real need... My want is not always what He wants for me, I need more of Him. I agreed with Him and let what I wanted go... if He wants to let me see her, hear her, feel her touch then He will allow it to happen. I gave up my desire and kept thinking to myself... I need MORE of you Lord, that is ALL I need. I easily fell back to sleep and was able to sleep for a few hours before getting up to go to church.  We came home from church that afternoon and laid down for a nap. I had this dream: I was sitting at my desk upstairs, Rachel was sitting in the rope bottom chair that my great-great grandfather made for the woman I am named after, Georgia Burgess Copeland. Rachel was talking to me… she had this plan to go back to school in the fall. She was talking ninety to nothing like she always did when she was really excited about something. She seemed to have a really good plan and was really excited about it, she was even very proud of herself. She finally asked me what I thought of her plan and it broke my heart to explain to her that it was not possible legally. Her social security number had been recorded at her death. She was heartbroken… she cried, I cried. She asked me “did she hurt us?” I told her yes and she apologized for hurting us so much. “I am so sorry momma.” Oh baby ~ it’s okay, I love you so much. It felt amazing to hold her and comfort her as we wept together. For some reason I asked her if I was hard on her, she replied “yes.” I too apologized and told her it was because I loved her. She understood and we both just held each other and cried. It felt so good to “talk to her, hold her and tell her I love her.” She does live with us forever, in our memories and our hearts. I can still almost feel her in my arms and hear her sweet voice. She even seemed a year older and more mature. Her hair was wavy, she was wearing a t-shirt and shorts. She even smelled like Bath and Body Works Sweet Pea. I also remember thinking that without a SS # she would have to live with us forever. Amazing!  The timing of this dream is no accident, it was ordained by God. Less than 24 hours before I gave up my desire and realized His. When I was obedient to Him and realized that ALL I need is Him and MORE of Him, He gave me the desire of my heart. That is the GREATEST lesson I learned his year. What a precious gift. Thank you Lord!