The part of my story that I want to share with you began on April 28, 2008, a journey to beauty instead of ashes…
First you need to meet Rachel… She was 15. She was vibrant, chatty, bubbly, funny, a little dingy and yet so smart. She was passionate about her family and friends but more importantly she was passionate about Jesus. She loved all things teenage girls do; hanging out with friends, laying out, sleep overs, chick flicks, texting, and shopping. She loved everything hot pink and neon green including the walls in her room and of course mani/pedi’s; again always hot pink. And how could I forget her blue ring pops? Her favorite candy.
She had the prettiest green eyes, captivating and sweet smile ~ a smile that lit up the room and the sweetest way of saying I love you momma. She ended every phone conversation with a “muah” her way of blowing a kiss over the phone. She always said “sleep sleep,” her way of saying sleep sweet as I tucked her in every night. She answered to Rachel, Rache, sis, busybus, cricket, Lizzy, punkin and sweet pea. How could I forget sweet pea? Her favorite lotion and my nick name since the first time I gazed at her sweet little face.
April 28th started out like any other day, a nap and then work. I was about to head to yet another delivery when one of my co-workers came to me with a concerned look on her face and told me there was a phone call for me. My heart sank… it was the phone call every mom fears. A policeman telling me Rachel had been in an accident. I remember screaming at him, JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED! At that point he told me she had attempted to take her life and was being taken by care flight to a trauma center in Dallas. A little over an hour later Chris and I arrived at Parkland Hospital where we would be told there was nothing they could do, she was alive but not be for long. We were then allowed to be with her as Jesus came to take her home. So many people came to be with us… her friends, our friends, teachers, people we had never met… It was all so overwhelming and very humbling.
April 28, 2008 is a day etched in my memory and carved in my heart forever and one that set my feet on the most intimate journey with Christ I have ever experienced. I never dreamed that day would set my feet on such an amazing journey. A journey to beauty instead of ashes…
Journey to Beauty Instead of Ashes
*original post April 25, 2009
As I mentioned last night my journey to beauty instead of ashes began on April 28, 2008. On the way to the hospital that night I remember repeating over and over “she is going to be okay no matter what.” I truly meant it, whether God let us keep her or if He took her home. And you know what, she IS perfectly healed. What more could a momma ask for? In the week of planning Rachel’s funeral God kept taking me back to Isaiah 61: 3 "and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." Isaiah’s words are a prophecy of the coming of Christ and the work that He would perform in His ministry of Salvation. What I didn’t realize at the time was how God would intricately weave that scripture into my journey of grief.
Since I was at work that night and Chris was at home with Rachel, I had many questions as well as visions of what happened that night. I needed answers. And God knew my need. During counseling with my pastor we agreed that it would be healing for me to “go back there.” In January 2009 with his help and the help of others who wrote letters about that night those questions were answered and things I imagined confirmed. It hurt to go back there, it was hard, it made me angry ~ at her, myself, even at God. It made me tackle feelings and emotions that needed tackling. More than anything it was very healing. I put those letters away knowing He would take me back there again…
Fast forward from January to April 25, 2009… I woke up that morning knowing that we were going back to those letters. I could feel the Lord nudging me, telling me go to the cemetery. The cemetery I asked? Yes the cemetery. I gathered up the letters and went to the cemetery. I sat down at her headstone and began to read them aloud. I wept, I cried out to Him, screamed at Him, screamed at Rachel, I even smiled and laughed a few times… remembering those chipped pink finger nails and her blue mouth “disease” acquired from eating blue ring pops. I enjoyed the breeze and time spent with Him. I went home with the intention of a nap. I thought we were done for a bit, I was exhausted. Burn them, the Lord told me. Now? Yes, now. As I watched them burn, I thanked Him for the last year. I thanked Him for the journey. It has been hard but yet sweet and intimate. It has been a gift. I thanked Him for the gift of Rachel Elizabeth Fulenwider and I thanked him for the gift of her passing.
You may not have lost a child but we all experience loss in some way: loss of a job, divorce, home, health, miscarriage, a child who seems to abandon their faith, a friendship and even the loss of a cherished pet. We can allow ourselves to be defined by those experiences, we can even ask “why Lord, why me?” Or we can allow Him to fulfill His purpose in our losses; and that is to glorify Himself.
I love how God’s word promises to comfort us in our in our loss. I love how Isaiah’s words prophecy about the Lord Jesus Christ, the One who comes to heal the brokenhearted. He wants to heal your broken heart.
No matter what your loss; He wants to bestow on you a crown of beauty instead of ashes, He wants to give you the oil of joy instead of mourning, and He wants to clothe you in garment of praise instead of despair. What satan tried to destroy in my life God made beautiful. These ashes are a reminder of the journey, an intimate and beautiful journey with Him.
This is as beautiful read as hearing you share it in person like I was blessed to be able to do at She Speaks. xo Lelia
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