where do I start???

Wow, I am not sure to start or if I can even express what He has been up to this weekend at the She Speaks 2011 Conference... It will take me a while to "unpack" all that I have learned and all the "gifts" He has blessed me with this weekend. A lot of you know my fear of public speaking... another fear He helped tackle this weekend. Thank you Jesus! I know this is what You have called me to do, I am not sure how that looks right now but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt this He has called me to step and out and speak for Him! I want to share with you what I shared with my Speaker Evaluation group this weekend...

The part of my story that I want to share with you began on April 28, 2008, a journey to beauty instead of ashes…

First you need to meet Rachel… She was 15. She was vibrant, chatty, bubbly, funny, a little dingy and yet so smart. She was passionate about her family and friends but more importantly she was passionate about Jesus. She loved all things teenage girls do; hanging out with friends, laying out, sleep overs, chick flicks, texting, and shopping. She loved everything hot pink and neon green including the walls in her room and of course mani/pedi’s; again always hot pink. And how could I forget her blue ring pops? Her favorite candy.


She had the prettiest green eyes, captivating and sweet smile ~ a smile that lit up the room and the sweetest way of saying I love you momma. She ended every phone conversation with a “muah” her way of blowing a kiss over the phone. She always said “sleep sleep,” her way of saying sleep sweet as I tucked her in every night. She answered to Rachel, Rache, sis, busybus, cricket, Lizzy, punkin and sweet pea. How could I forget sweet pea? Her favorite lotion and my nick name since the first time I gazed at her sweet little face.

April 28th started out like any other day, a nap and then work. I was about to head to yet another delivery when one of my co-workers came to me with a concerned look on her face and told me there was a phone call for me. My heart sank… it was the phone call every mom fears. A policeman telling me Rachel had been in an accident. I remember screaming at him, JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED! At that point he told me she had attempted to take her life and was being taken by care flight to a trauma center in Dallas. A little over an hour later Chris and I arrived at Parkland Hospital where we would be told there was nothing they could do, she was alive but not be for long. We were then allowed to be with her as Jesus came to take her home. So many people came to be with us… her friends, our friends, teachers, people we had never met… It was all so overwhelming and very humbling.

April 28, 2008 is a day etched in my memory and carved in my heart forever and one that set my feet on the most intimate journey with Christ I have ever experienced. I never dreamed that day would set my feet on such an amazing journey. A journey to beauty instead of ashes…


Journey to Beauty Instead of Ashes
*original post April 25, 2009

As I mentioned last night my journey to beauty instead of ashes began on April 28, 2008. On the way to the hospital that night I remember repeating over and over “she is going to be okay no matter what.” I truly meant it, whether God let us keep her or if He took her home. And you know what, she IS perfectly healed. What more could a momma ask for? In the week of planning Rachel’s funeral God kept taking me back to Isaiah 61: 3 "and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." Isaiah’s words are a prophecy of the coming of Christ and the work that He would perform in His ministry of Salvation. What I didn’t realize at the time was how God would intricately weave that scripture into my journey of grief.

Since I was at work that night and Chris was at home with Rachel, I had many questions as well as visions of what happened that night. I needed answers. And God knew my need. During counseling with my pastor we agreed that it would be healing for me to “go back there.” In January 2009 with his help and the help of others who wrote letters about that night those questions were answered and things I imagined confirmed. It hurt to go back there, it was hard, it made me angry ~ at her, myself, even at God. It made me tackle feelings and emotions that needed tackling. More than anything it was very healing. I put those letters away knowing He would take me back there again…

Fast forward from January to April 25, 2009… I woke up that morning knowing that we were going back to those letters. I could feel the Lord nudging me, telling me go to the cemetery. The cemetery I asked? Yes the cemetery. I gathered up the letters and went to the cemetery. I sat down at her headstone and began to read them aloud. I wept, I cried out to Him, screamed at Him, screamed at Rachel, I even smiled and laughed a few times… remembering those chipped pink finger nails and her blue mouth “disease” acquired from eating blue ring pops. I enjoyed the breeze and time spent with Him. I went home with the intention of a nap. I thought we were done for a bit, I was exhausted. Burn them, the Lord told me. Now? Yes, now. As I watched them burn, I thanked Him for the last year. I thanked Him for the journey. It has been hard but yet sweet and intimate. It has been a gift. I thanked Him for the gift of Rachel Elizabeth Fulenwider and I thanked him for the gift of her passing.

You may not have lost a child but we all experience loss in some way: loss of a job, divorce, home, health, miscarriage, a child who seems to abandon their faith, a friendship and even the loss of a cherished pet. We can allow ourselves to be defined by those experiences, we can even ask “why Lord, why me?” Or we can allow Him to fulfill His purpose in our losses; and that is to glorify Himself.

I love how God’s word promises to comfort us in our in our loss. I love how Isaiah’s words prophecy about the Lord Jesus Christ, the One who comes to heal the brokenhearted. He wants to heal your broken heart.

No matter what your loss; He wants to bestow on you a crown of beauty instead of ashes, He wants to give you the oil of joy instead of mourning, and He wants to clothe you in garment of praise instead of despair. What satan tried to destroy in my life God made beautiful. These ashes are a reminder of the journey, an intimate and beautiful journey with Him.

Scholarship Presentation

Scholarship Presentation
First I would like to start by saying to the Class of 2011

Chris, Andrew and I would like to express our deepest gratitude to each and every one of you and the families you represent for your love and support the last three years. It has not gone unnoticed nor will ever be forgotten. I see glimpses of our sweet Rachel in your smiles, hugs, and even sometimes just a simple wave. It is our prayer that God may richly bless and continually guide you as you begin this new journey in your lives.

I remember it like it was yesterday, my daddy called to check on us after Rachel died. He asked us if we would award two graduates with a scholarship in Rachel’s memory, one for academics and one for sports. We of course said yes… so at the suggestion of my daddy, Harold Griffith we present these scholarships in memory of our sweet Rachel. Both of their lives continue on, even though they are not physically present with us and they continue to touch lives through the scholarships presented in Rachel’s name.

So tonight we honor two graduates that excel in academics and sports. Rachel loved school and she loved making good grades. I can remember the first “bad” grade she ever received, it was a “B” and she was devastated. The student we award tonight for academics also excels academically and one that Rachel competed with. When this student got a better grade than Rachel, she seemed even more determined to do better than she already did. This student also wants to be a nurse which of course is near and dear to my heart. I think Rachel would be proud as well, as she told us on more than one occasion she wanted to be a nurse, a doctor and an attorney. She set high expectations for herself as does this student.

Rachel didn’t really decide that she loved sports until 6th grade and after that nothing could take away her drive to be the best at volleyball and track. Volleyball was not surprising to us, but track? We thought the coaches were crazy when Rachel came home and told us she would be running relays, and not just one but all three! The Rachel we knew at home she was slow as a turtle. As Chris and I watched her run for the first time, we discovered that the girl could run and she was FAST! The student we honor tonight has a love for sports and has ever since he was a little boy. This student is also a hard worker and excels at most any athletic activity he puts his mind to. He is also an active and vital member of his church and community.

In honor of the Class of 2011 we have chosen to award a third scholarship. This student is involved in various extracurricular activities and volunteer work. She is also an active and vital member of her church. She balances her church activities, school, extra-curricular activities, job, friend and family time well. I have gotten to know her better this year and grown to love her, as I do many of you, as my own. Each and every one of you are special to us, you are each a part of Rachel and make us proud.

With all that being said it is our honor and privilege to award

The Rachel Fulenwider Academic scholarship in the amount of $500 to Taelor Duckworth
The Rachel Fulenwider Athletic scholarship in the amount of $500 to Bryant Threadgill
Class of 2011 scholarship to in the amount of $1000 to Taelor Williams

a Facebook post from my pastor...

I had to read this one a couple of times to let it soak in, really soak in...

"There is nothing that can replace the absence of someone dear to us, and one should not even attempt to do so. One must simply hold out and endure it. At first that sounds very hard, but at the same time it is also a great comfort. For to the extent the emptiness truly remains unfilled one remains connected to the other person throu...gh it. It is wrong to say that God fills the emptiness. God in no way fills it but much more leaves it precisely unfilled and thus helps us preserve -- even in pain -- the authentic relationship. Further more, the more beautiful and full the remembrances, the more difficult the separation. But gratitude transforms the torment of memory into silent joy. One bears what was lovely in the past not as a thorn but as a precious gift deep within, a hidden treasure of which one can always be certain." ~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Posted by Georgia at 8:02 PM 1 comments:

Jimmie said...
Brother Leons' post is so very true...
Keep being still befor the LORD, Georgia, and listening for HIS voice of guidance!
I love you, and think of all of you, often!
Patricia Bridges

April 4, 2011 7:10 AM

A turning point and She Speaks...

Bear with me, there is some background that I need to set up...

After delivering our first baby, Andrew, I knew that God had called me to go back to school and become a labor and delivery nurse. I went back to school in 1989, graduated in 1992 and I have worked as a labor and delivery nurse since Rachel was 6 months old. It is a ministry... And I thank Him for the privilege.

However, since Rachel died there have been so many things I realized that I have lost... one of "those" things is experiencing the miracle of birth with my daughter. It is so hard to see my patients with their families, especially their mom's. It is such a special experience. I can work OB triage all night long but to labor and deliver a young woman having her first baby is so hard... So, OB triage is it for me right now and I am okay with that.

A dear friend of mine delivered her "surprise" baby girl on March 4, 2011. She and her husband were one of so many that supported us and got us through that night... getting Chris to the hospital as our sweet girl was Care Flighted to Dallas, saying "goodbye" to our Rachel as if she were their own, keeping our Andrew posted, in the loop, he was stationed at Fort Bragg, NC at the time, comforting him, comforting us, going to the funeral home, calling the Red Cross to begin the process of getting our boy home, making and fielding jillions of phone calls and the list goes on...

Long story short... I took her to the hospital, stayed the night and was with her and her sweet husband when they welcomed sweet Delaney into this world. I saw their boys faces light up as they watched their daddy bathe their baby sister for the first time. The memories came flooding back... Rachel's birth and her death... getting to experience the labor and birth of Delaney Grace Harris has really been a turning point for me (at the moment anyway.) It was and still is a precious moment. A moment I will cherish forever. Seeing Delaney, breathing her in, holding her and smelling her sweet baby breath, her breathe smelled of heaven, a moment that was a bit overwhelming and bittersweet but so precious. It was one of those moments that that I will ponder in my heart until I see my precious Jesus and then my sweet Rachel. The experience brings tears to my eyes all over again. I left the hospital that morning breathless and sobbing and spent a lot of the weekend doing the same. Not just tears of grief and missing Rachel but thankful tears for the experience with Rachel, her birth and her death and the journey that I know will continue even with its ups and downs. On my way home, I stopped by Kroger bought her some flowers and took them to the cemetery, some beautiful pink roses and a wildflower mix in vibrant hot pink, yellow, purple and green, her favorite colors! She would love them and she would love Delaney too! I am still amazed by the experience of Delaney's birth. And so thankful!!!

I was scheduled to work labor on Sunday night and for the first time I did not dread it. I got put on call and then got called in late Sunday evening. Of course my labor patient ended being a stat C-section but nevertheless it was all okay for the patient, her baby and for me emotionally. And for that I am thankful too! Thank you Lord for a turning point...

In one of my emails or twitter, the Lord led me to this... the She Speaks Scholarship Contest 2011.

Here is a quote from their website... "The She Speaks Conference is where you will receive the tools and the confidence to answer God’s call on your life. You will learn how to make the most of your messages, the nuts and bolts of speaking, writing, leading and influencing, and have the opportunity to meet with some of today’s top Christian publishers. She Speaks is not just another conference … it is a true experience with God and a revival in your calling!" I have been praying for God to open a door and I believe He has. I have known and felt for quite some time that the Lord was going to use this grief experience/journey in an amazing way. I have also felt that He was calling me to speak or write and I feel in my spirit like this is a door that He is opening.

As a mother, I have always thought that there is no way that I would ever be able to survive the death of one of my children. But you know what... I have and I am stronger for it. Do I still have hard days and do I feel weak? Yes! But His word tells me that "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

If I were to curl up in a corner and shrivel away or become bitter and angry, how would that honor her memory? It wouldn't and Satan would win. More importantly how would that honor HIM? By sharing this journey with Him, our baby girl will live on forever in the hearts and lives of many, many that never even knew her. Is it because of anything that I did or said? Absolutely not! It is Him, all Him. This experience is not and never has been about Rachel, my family or me it is all about Him! His word also says "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

I am still praying about what I am supposed to do... write or speak maybe both... the thought of both scares me but with Him I know I can do anything!

*update*
A few weekends ago, the Lord told me that He wants me to do what I fear the most... and that is speaking, yes She Speaks... am I comfortable with that, no! Am I scared, nervous etc.? Yes! But am I willing and open? Absolutely yes!

the Lord's goals for me this year...

the Lord's goals for me this year... pray with me as I walk with Him toward these goals...

You cover the year with Your good blessings, and You leave abundance in Your wake. ~ Psalm 65:11

Goal #1, read the Bible in a Year: I am reading the Chronological Bible

Goal #2, Memorize scripture,I joined the Siesta Scripture Memory Team 2011, there are 9000+ women committed to memorizing scripture. Join me, it's not too late... http://blog.lproof.org/

Goal # 3, pray with me on this one, it is rather lofty and I am really excited about it, just not ready to share...

*just added* March 10, 2011
Goal #4, another lofty one, but I believe He has opened a door of opportunity to do something He has called me to do... I'll be excited to share more later very soon!

Stress free...

After such a stressful week, HE has blessed me with the most enjoyable weekend! I guess the blessing started on Thurs with visits by my sweet friends Cheryl and Lori on Fri. I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning visiting my oldest and dearest friend/twin, we laughed and we cried, sharing some great memories . I spent Sat. cooking, baking and visiting with another precious and sweet friend AND celebrated my love's birthday. Today, was spent in my jammies, enjoying the beauty of the snow, reading and memorizing scripture ,eating stew, eating snow ice cream and peeking outside for a few pics... God blessed me indeed! Thank you LORD for the blessing!!! However, Fri. cannot get here soon enough, I miss my "Baylor" girls... :~(