Baby Steps
Chris seems better this evening, he even had supper started when I got home. Woohoo! Maybe this morning is a start... I think that when he asked me this morning about "forgiveness," in all honesty he was afraid my answer would be him. I have NEVER blamed him. I hope deep down he knows that. I just wish I knew how to make him believe that and truly I realize that I can't... only HE can. Last night was a rough one for me but ended up so sweet... I had stayed up late working on a crosstitch project that I want to finish for a Christmas present and then went to bed to read (surprise, surprise). The part that got to me was about a mother and daughter having a "spa" weekend, it really got to me. It's those time I want to remember. The mani/pedi's, coming to see me in Va. and Mo., going to DC, going to the movies, slumber parties, her laugh, her smiles and all that stuff. I remember the Sunday before Rachel died, we skipped church and I went into her bedroom just to watch her sleep. I then remember crawling into bed with her and snuggling up just for a bit. Such a sweet memory. I finally put the book down and "tried" to sleep. He kept "nudging" me to get up, I got up, went downstairs, tearfully and timidly knowing He wanted me to tackle what I had dreaded and could not and did not want to look at. I opened her door, I had to ask Him to take away the vision in my head of her standing in front of that mirror one last time... He did, I started with the photo of her with Laura Bush with many tears. I moved around her room just taking them all in. Studying each one as if for the first time. The bulleting boards she made, precious memories... many tears and even some silent giggles. I noticed the one of her at the regional track meet - it may be one of the last photos of her, I am not sure. If not the last certainly one of a few. Precious! After that I went to the computer and pulled up all the facebook photos and began putting captions and tagging some people. It was hard, but fun and such a sweet time spent with Him. He made it easy. There are still more to tag and caption but baby steps, right? So healing and comforting. And no more feeling guilt about not being able to look at them... After I finished, I went back upstairs thankful for the precious time spent with Him and with her. I went to bed and fell fast asleep and slept well. Amen! Hallelujah!!!
Monday, November 23, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
very rough draft of a blog, but here goes anyway...
just a very rough draft of a blog. I wa0 sheaded back to bed for a nap with only my Blackberry to write in. He gave me this, it's been awhile... Nonetheless, here goes: '2005 Turning 40... I never and I mean honestly never dreaded the big 40. And contrary to Andrew's kidding I was only 39 once. I was excited to turn 40. I remember that birthday well... Looking forward to what God had in store for the next 40. If I'd only known... At times this last year I have thought what the heck was I thinking? I was 42 when Andrew joined the Army and left home and when Rachel died. Empty nest at 42, seriously? Not what expected at all... And while sometimes I have thought what the heck He reminded this morning what a sweet time it has been so far. Hard, yes. Struggled, yes. Still have hard days, yes. Still struggle, yes. Its okay to struggle andhave those days, I don't like it and feel like such a failure when I do but it is okay and even expected. it makes me lean on Him even more. And that isright where He wants me... And I am okay with that.' I am going back to bed so I can work tonight, ugh.... Praying your day is blessed!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Mel's Smiley Face
September 13, 2009
We also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perservance. ~ Romans 5:3
Some people think you shouldn’t draw in your Bible, but I’m glad my daughter Melissa drew in hers. In the margin next to Romans 5, she used a green ink pen to draw a small, simple smiley face, and circled verse 3.
How could she have known that her family and friends would need this passage when she left us so suddenly in a car accident at age 17? How could she know that these verses would tell her story, while guiding our lives and the lives of others over the past 7 years?
Romans 5 begins by explaining our justification through faith, which gives us peace with God through Jesus (v.1). Melissa had that peace. And right now she is enjoying the fruits of her faith, as verse 2 describes: We “rejoice in hope of the glory of God.” Imagine the smiley face she could draw now!
And then there’s the rest of us—all of us left behind when loved ones precede us in death. Somehow, we “rejoice in our sufferings.” Why? Our suffering brings perseverance, which brings character, which brings us hope (vv.3-4).
We feel helpless in times of tragedy, but we are never hopeless. God pours His love into our hearts—and with it the great hope of His glory. It’s all part of God’s mysterious yet marvelous plan. — Dave Branon
God often digs wells of joy with the spade of sorrow.
taken from Our Daily Bread September 13, 2009
Thank you Johnny Claborn for sharing this with me this morning...
Sunday, August 9, 2009
For All We Know...
The words to this song truly came to life for me this weekend... I loved seeing all of my "heart girls" and even those that were only able to follow via FaceBook. What a blessing! My "heart" is full of praise and thanks for each and every one of you and how you have touched my life...
FOR ALL WE KNOW
For all we know,
We may never meet again,
Our camp will grow,
Making memories sweet again.
We’ll not say good-bye,
We’ll never be parted.
We’ll join hands and hearts,
For the friendships we started.
Our camping days
Seem to only be a dream,
They come and go,
Like the ripples on a stream.
Heart O’ the Hills will remain,
Like to tune of an old refrain,
And live in our hearts again,
For all we know.
FOR ALL WE KNOW
For all we know,
We may never meet again,
Our camp will grow,
Making memories sweet again.
We’ll not say good-bye,
We’ll never be parted.
We’ll join hands and hearts,
For the friendships we started.
Our camping days
Seem to only be a dream,
They come and go,
Like the ripples on a stream.
Heart O’ the Hills will remain,
Like to tune of an old refrain,
And live in our hearts again,
For all we know.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Hinds Feet on Hinds Places
This is where I am these days...
Hind’s Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard is a beautiful allegory dramatizing the yearning of God’s children to be led to new heights of love, joy, and victory. It follows the spiritual journey of Much-Afraid through difficult places with her two companions, Sorrow and Suffering. Much-Afraid overcomes her tormenting fears as she passes through many dangers and mounts at last to the High Places. There she gains a new name and returns to her valley of service, transformed by her union with the loving Shepherd.
Hind’s Feet on High Places is a book that I started many years ago and have never finished. It’s one that I pick up every once in awhile, read a few pages or even chapters and then put aside for a bit. Not sure why other than it seems that’s how God planned it. How do I know that? It seems that every time I pick it up I can relate to where Much-Afraid is in her journey to “high places.” I think God planned it that way… in fact I am sure that He did. Since the end of April I have felt sort of “idle.” Like nothing is going on… no progress forward but not backwards either. I have a hard time dealing with idleness. It feels wrong somehow. It’s hard to explain. A couple of weeks ago I picked it up and began to read. I continue to be amazed at how He speaks to me so clearly and timely.
This is what He said to me through the words Hannah Hurnard and the experience of Much-Afraid: “Shepherd, Shepherd! Help me! Where are you? Don’t leave me! Next instant she was clinging to him and trembling from head to foot, and sobbing over and over again. ‘You may do anything, Shepherd. You may do anything—only don’t let me turn back. O my Lord, don’t let me leave you. Entreat me not to leave thee nor to return from following after thee.’ He lifter her up, supported her by his arm, and with his own hand wiped the tears from her cheeks, then said in his strong, cheery voice, ‘There is no question of your turning back, Much-Afraid. No one, not even your own shrinking heart, can pluck you out of my hand. Don’t you remember what I told you before? This delay is not unto death but for the glory of God… Will you go down this path of forgiveness into the Valley of Loss just because it is the way that I have chosen for you? Will you still trust and still love me?’ Considering how steep the descent into the Valley of Loss, it seemed surprisingly easy (not sure about that...), but perhaps that was because Much-Afraid desired with her whole body will make it in a way that would satisfy and please the Shepherd. The awful glimpse down into the abyss of an existence without him has so staggered and appalled her heart that she felt she could never be quite the same again. However, it opened her eyes to the fact that right down in the depths of her own heart she really had but one passionate desire, not for the things which the Shepherd had promised, but for himself. All she wanted was to be allowed to follow him forever.
Other desires might clamor strongly and fiercely nearer the surface of her nature, but she knew now that deep down in the core of her own being she was so shaped that nothing could fit, fill, or satisfy her heart but he himself. "Nothing else really matters," she said to herself, "only to love him and to do what he tells me. I don't know quiet why it should be so, but it is. All the time it is suffering to love him and sorrow to love, but it is lovely to love him in spite of this, and if I should cease to do so, I should cease to exist." So, as has been said, they reached the valley very quickly.
The next surprising thing was that though the valley did seem at first a little like prison after the strong bracing air of the mountains, it turned out to be a wonderfully beautiful and peaceful place, very green and with flowers covering the fields and the banks of the river which flowed quietly through it.
Strangely enough, down there in the Valley of Loss, Much-Afraid felt more rested, more peaceful, and more content than anywhere else on the journey. It seemed too, that her two companions also underwent a strange transformation. They still held her hands, but there was neither suffering nor sorrow in the touch. It was as though they walked close beside her and went hand in hand simply for friendship's sake and for the joy of being together. (I can so relate to this part of her journey)
It is true that when Much-Afraid looked at the mountains on the other side of the valley she wondered how they would ever manage to ascend them, but she found herself content to wait restfully and to wander in the valley as long as the Shepherd chose. One thing in particular comforted her; after the hardness and slipperiness of the way on the mountains, where she had stumbled and limped so painfully, she found that in those quiet green fields she could actually walk without stumbling, and could not feel her wounds and scars and stiffness at all.
All this seemed a little strange because, of course, she really was in the Valley of Loss. Also, apparently, she was farther from the High Places than ever before. She asked the Shepherd about it one day, for the loveliest part of all was that he often walked with them down there, saying with a beautiful smile that it was one of his favorite haunts.
In answer to her question, he said, 'I am glad that you are learning to appreciate the valley too, but I think it was the altar which you built at the top, Much-Afraid, which has made it so easy for you.'
This also rather puzzled her, for she said, 'But I have noticed that after the other altars which you told me to build, the way has generally seemed harder and more testing than before.'
Again he smiled, but only remarked quietly that the important thing about altars was that they made the possibilities of apparent impossibilities, and that it was nice that on this occasion it had brought her peace and not a great struggle. She noticed that he looked at her keenly and rather strangely as he spoke, and though there was a beautiful gentleness in the look, there was also something else which she had seen before, but still did not understand. She thought it held a mixture of two things, not exactly pity-- no, that was the wrong word, but a look of wonderful compassion together with unflinching determination.
When she realized that, she thought of some words which one of the Shepherd's servants had spoken down in the Valley of Humiliation before ever the Shepherd had called her to the High Places. He had said, 'Love is beautiful, but it is also terrible-- terrible in its determination to allow nothing blemished or unworthy to remain in the beloved.'
When she remembered this, Much-Afraid thought with a little shiver in her heart, 'He will never be content until he makes me what he is determined that I ought to be,' and because she was still Much-Afraid and not yet ready to change her name, she added with a pang of fear, 'I wonder what he plans to do next, and if it will hurt very much indeed?'" I so wish I could express this as beautifully Hannah Hurnard. It so describes where I am on this journey these days...
Add Comment
LJ says...
"Love and prayers with you and yours on your journey." (6/2/09)
Hind’s Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard is a beautiful allegory dramatizing the yearning of God’s children to be led to new heights of love, joy, and victory. It follows the spiritual journey of Much-Afraid through difficult places with her two companions, Sorrow and Suffering. Much-Afraid overcomes her tormenting fears as she passes through many dangers and mounts at last to the High Places. There she gains a new name and returns to her valley of service, transformed by her union with the loving Shepherd.
Hind’s Feet on High Places is a book that I started many years ago and have never finished. It’s one that I pick up every once in awhile, read a few pages or even chapters and then put aside for a bit. Not sure why other than it seems that’s how God planned it. How do I know that? It seems that every time I pick it up I can relate to where Much-Afraid is in her journey to “high places.” I think God planned it that way… in fact I am sure that He did. Since the end of April I have felt sort of “idle.” Like nothing is going on… no progress forward but not backwards either. I have a hard time dealing with idleness. It feels wrong somehow. It’s hard to explain. A couple of weeks ago I picked it up and began to read. I continue to be amazed at how He speaks to me so clearly and timely.
This is what He said to me through the words Hannah Hurnard and the experience of Much-Afraid: “Shepherd, Shepherd! Help me! Where are you? Don’t leave me! Next instant she was clinging to him and trembling from head to foot, and sobbing over and over again. ‘You may do anything, Shepherd. You may do anything—only don’t let me turn back. O my Lord, don’t let me leave you. Entreat me not to leave thee nor to return from following after thee.’ He lifter her up, supported her by his arm, and with his own hand wiped the tears from her cheeks, then said in his strong, cheery voice, ‘There is no question of your turning back, Much-Afraid. No one, not even your own shrinking heart, can pluck you out of my hand. Don’t you remember what I told you before? This delay is not unto death but for the glory of God… Will you go down this path of forgiveness into the Valley of Loss just because it is the way that I have chosen for you? Will you still trust and still love me?’ Considering how steep the descent into the Valley of Loss, it seemed surprisingly easy (not sure about that...), but perhaps that was because Much-Afraid desired with her whole body will make it in a way that would satisfy and please the Shepherd. The awful glimpse down into the abyss of an existence without him has so staggered and appalled her heart that she felt she could never be quite the same again. However, it opened her eyes to the fact that right down in the depths of her own heart she really had but one passionate desire, not for the things which the Shepherd had promised, but for himself. All she wanted was to be allowed to follow him forever.
Other desires might clamor strongly and fiercely nearer the surface of her nature, but she knew now that deep down in the core of her own being she was so shaped that nothing could fit, fill, or satisfy her heart but he himself. "Nothing else really matters," she said to herself, "only to love him and to do what he tells me. I don't know quiet why it should be so, but it is. All the time it is suffering to love him and sorrow to love, but it is lovely to love him in spite of this, and if I should cease to do so, I should cease to exist." So, as has been said, they reached the valley very quickly.
The next surprising thing was that though the valley did seem at first a little like prison after the strong bracing air of the mountains, it turned out to be a wonderfully beautiful and peaceful place, very green and with flowers covering the fields and the banks of the river which flowed quietly through it.
Strangely enough, down there in the Valley of Loss, Much-Afraid felt more rested, more peaceful, and more content than anywhere else on the journey. It seemed too, that her two companions also underwent a strange transformation. They still held her hands, but there was neither suffering nor sorrow in the touch. It was as though they walked close beside her and went hand in hand simply for friendship's sake and for the joy of being together. (I can so relate to this part of her journey)
It is true that when Much-Afraid looked at the mountains on the other side of the valley she wondered how they would ever manage to ascend them, but she found herself content to wait restfully and to wander in the valley as long as the Shepherd chose. One thing in particular comforted her; after the hardness and slipperiness of the way on the mountains, where she had stumbled and limped so painfully, she found that in those quiet green fields she could actually walk without stumbling, and could not feel her wounds and scars and stiffness at all.
All this seemed a little strange because, of course, she really was in the Valley of Loss. Also, apparently, she was farther from the High Places than ever before. She asked the Shepherd about it one day, for the loveliest part of all was that he often walked with them down there, saying with a beautiful smile that it was one of his favorite haunts.
In answer to her question, he said, 'I am glad that you are learning to appreciate the valley too, but I think it was the altar which you built at the top, Much-Afraid, which has made it so easy for you.'
This also rather puzzled her, for she said, 'But I have noticed that after the other altars which you told me to build, the way has generally seemed harder and more testing than before.'
Again he smiled, but only remarked quietly that the important thing about altars was that they made the possibilities of apparent impossibilities, and that it was nice that on this occasion it had brought her peace and not a great struggle. She noticed that he looked at her keenly and rather strangely as he spoke, and though there was a beautiful gentleness in the look, there was also something else which she had seen before, but still did not understand. She thought it held a mixture of two things, not exactly pity-- no, that was the wrong word, but a look of wonderful compassion together with unflinching determination.
When she realized that, she thought of some words which one of the Shepherd's servants had spoken down in the Valley of Humiliation before ever the Shepherd had called her to the High Places. He had said, 'Love is beautiful, but it is also terrible-- terrible in its determination to allow nothing blemished or unworthy to remain in the beloved.'
When she remembered this, Much-Afraid thought with a little shiver in her heart, 'He will never be content until he makes me what he is determined that I ought to be,' and because she was still Much-Afraid and not yet ready to change her name, she added with a pang of fear, 'I wonder what he plans to do next, and if it will hurt very much indeed?'" I so wish I could express this as beautifully Hannah Hurnard. It so describes where I am on this journey these days...
Add Comment
LJ says...
"Love and prayers with you and yours on your journey." (6/2/09)
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
long lost friends...
A long lost friend from WNJ found me on Facebook... she went to the easysite. After spending hours reading the whole thing she left the sweetest message. I wanted to share part of it. I read it the beginning of May and was going through my FB mail and reread it. She reminded me of a conversation I had with Rachel when she was four... I needed this today! "...you came to work one night and told me something she had said and it had shocked you. She had told you that day that she loved Jesus and she wanted to go be with him. You said you were shocked that a 4 year old would say that. I asked you what your response was to her and you said that you wanted her to be with Jesus but just not yet." I had totally forgotten about it but now I remember it clearly and what a precious memory. I am so glad to be reminded that she loved Him, not that I ever doubted it but just neat to be reminded how young she was with a heart for Him. And so glad she is where she wanted most to be. I needed it today... last night I discovered that the girls did not have enough "fast girls" to make up a mile relay team. It really hit home and probably had a lot to do with why I did not sleep last night. It was Rachel's favorite race. Anyway, just thought I would share.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Something about Thursdays...
Lately there is something about Thursday. Last Thursday, I really missed my daddy and it all started with Tuna Fish salad. Yes tuna fish salad… He loved it when I made tuna fish salad, he loved how I made it, he said it was his favorite. I was crying before I ever started chopping the onions. Oh how I miss him… then I started missing her…
Tonight I was reading facebook posts and read that there was no girl’s mile relay team. They didn’t have enough “fast” girls for that relay. She was fast and LOVED that race, it was her favorite! Oh how I miss her…
Oh how I miss them…
Tonight I was reading facebook posts and read that there was no girl’s mile relay team. They didn’t have enough “fast” girls for that relay. She was fast and LOVED that race, it was her favorite! Oh how I miss her…
Oh how I miss them…
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
All I need is HIM...
Not sure where to start… so many memories, so many things learned, so many ways I’ve grown or should I say He’s grown me. Probably the one that stands out the most clearly because it was recent or maybe because it the greatest maybe most important lesson I have learned this year.
I need to start by going back to the end of March. In dreading this month, even this day (April 28th) I had been praying for a dream ~ a dream where I could see her, hold her, talk to her or even hear her sweet voice. One evening early in April I had a dream, a horrible dream. I was standing before a big black conveyor belt ~ I knew it would take me to her but somehow it felt wrong. As I tried to pull my arms back it was as if they would not move. I knew I was not supposed to go wherever that belt would take me. The dream scared me and I tried really hard to wake up. When I finally woke up, I was afraid to go back to sleep for fear the dream would be “to be continued.” I wanted to see her but not like that, it felt wrong. I realized then that I should be a bit more careful with my prayers to see her, hold her or even feel her in my arms.
Several weeks later, I was having trouble sleeping again. Up & down, up & down trying to sleep. I was trying to pray myself back to sleep, I had been up since 2am and it was now almost 5am. I was praying about many things but what I remember specifically was praying about my need to see Rachel, hear her voice even if just for a moment. Yes, I can be a little stubborn and hardheaded, even a little persistent. God very gently reminded me of my real need ~ I need MORE of Him. It was as if I heard Him say it. More of HIM... that is my real need. He is always so faithful to gently remind me He knows better, He knows my real need... My want is not always what He wants for me, I need more of Him. I agreed with Him and let what I wanted go... if He wants to let me see her, hear her, feel her touch then He will allow it to happen. I gave up my desire and kept thinking to myself... I need MORE of you Lord, that is ALL I need. I easily fell back to sleep and was able to sleep for a few hours before getting up to go to church.
We came home from church that afternoon and laid down for a nap. HE gave me this dream: I was sitting at my desk upstairs, Rachel was sitting in the rope bottom chair that my great-great grandfather made for the woman I am named after, Georgia Burgess Copeland. Rachel was talking to me… she had this plan to go back to school in the fall. She was talking ninety to nothing like she always did when she was really excited about something. She seemed to have a really good plan and was really excited about it, she was even very proud of herself. She finally asked me what I thought of her plan and it broke my heart to explain to her that it was not possible legally. Her social security number had been recorded at her death. She was heartbroken… she cried, I cried. She asked me “did she hurt us?” I told her yes and she apologized for hurting us so much. “I am so sorry momma.” Oh baby ~ it’s okay, I love you so much. It felt amazing to hold her and comfort her as we wept together. For some reason I asked her if I was hard on her, she replied “yes.” I too apologized and told her it was because I loved her. She understood and we both just held each other and cried. It felt so good to “talk to her, hold her and tell her I love her.” She does live with us forever, in our memories and our hearts. I can still almost feel her in my arms and hear her sweet voice. She even seemed a year older and more mature. Her hair was wavy, she was wearing a t-shirt and shorts. She even smelled like Bath and Body Works Sweet Pea. I also remember thinking that without a SS # she would have to live with us forever. Amazing! She does lives with us forever. In our hearts and precious memories we carry with us EVERY. DAY.
The timing of this dream is no accident, it was ordained by God. Less than 24 hours before I gave up my desire and realized His. When I was obedient to Him and realized that ALL I need is Him and MORE of Him, He gave me the desire of my heart. That is the GREATEST lesson I learned his year. What a precious gift. Thank you Lord!
Add Comment
Victoria says...
"You are amazing! The ability to share with us your pain & your joy in remembering Rachel. There is no doubt that God has been with you EVERY step this past year. You are right, all we need is HIM! Thank you for sharing - MAY GOD BLESS YOU!" (4/28/09)
Brenda Simmons says...
"Georgia,
Many of us are on the North end reading your Blog. We are all crying. What you wrote and how you describe your experiences are touching us all. God bless you as you continue on this journey. It will be a lifetime journey for you. Daily you will think of Rachel and long for the day you wrap your arms around her once more.
Brenda
" (4/29/09)
Ronda Kersey says...
"Georgia,
Once again I want to say what an amazing inspiration you are to all. Your strength & faith is amazing & I feel so blessed to have you as my friend. My thoughts & prayers are with you always & especially this week as you celebrate & remember Rachel's precious life. Thank you for being you!
Ronda" (4/29/09)
Emiley says...
"I feel so blessed to know you!! I hope you know just how admired you are!! What a PRECIOUS gift!!! Thank-you so much for sharing!!" (4/30/09)
Pam Ferron says...
"Georgia,
I weep as I read about your dream and so happy that God gave it to you and allowed you to see Rachel again and to speak with her and hold her. Thank you for being at the Potter's wheel and letting everyone see it. Bless you dear lady!" (4/30/09)
I need to start by going back to the end of March. In dreading this month, even this day (April 28th) I had been praying for a dream ~ a dream where I could see her, hold her, talk to her or even hear her sweet voice. One evening early in April I had a dream, a horrible dream. I was standing before a big black conveyor belt ~ I knew it would take me to her but somehow it felt wrong. As I tried to pull my arms back it was as if they would not move. I knew I was not supposed to go wherever that belt would take me. The dream scared me and I tried really hard to wake up. When I finally woke up, I was afraid to go back to sleep for fear the dream would be “to be continued.” I wanted to see her but not like that, it felt wrong. I realized then that I should be a bit more careful with my prayers to see her, hold her or even feel her in my arms.
Several weeks later, I was having trouble sleeping again. Up & down, up & down trying to sleep. I was trying to pray myself back to sleep, I had been up since 2am and it was now almost 5am. I was praying about many things but what I remember specifically was praying about my need to see Rachel, hear her voice even if just for a moment. Yes, I can be a little stubborn and hardheaded, even a little persistent. God very gently reminded me of my real need ~ I need MORE of Him. It was as if I heard Him say it. More of HIM... that is my real need. He is always so faithful to gently remind me He knows better, He knows my real need... My want is not always what He wants for me, I need more of Him. I agreed with Him and let what I wanted go... if He wants to let me see her, hear her, feel her touch then He will allow it to happen. I gave up my desire and kept thinking to myself... I need MORE of you Lord, that is ALL I need. I easily fell back to sleep and was able to sleep for a few hours before getting up to go to church.
We came home from church that afternoon and laid down for a nap. HE gave me this dream: I was sitting at my desk upstairs, Rachel was sitting in the rope bottom chair that my great-great grandfather made for the woman I am named after, Georgia Burgess Copeland. Rachel was talking to me… she had this plan to go back to school in the fall. She was talking ninety to nothing like she always did when she was really excited about something. She seemed to have a really good plan and was really excited about it, she was even very proud of herself. She finally asked me what I thought of her plan and it broke my heart to explain to her that it was not possible legally. Her social security number had been recorded at her death. She was heartbroken… she cried, I cried. She asked me “did she hurt us?” I told her yes and she apologized for hurting us so much. “I am so sorry momma.” Oh baby ~ it’s okay, I love you so much. It felt amazing to hold her and comfort her as we wept together. For some reason I asked her if I was hard on her, she replied “yes.” I too apologized and told her it was because I loved her. She understood and we both just held each other and cried. It felt so good to “talk to her, hold her and tell her I love her.” She does live with us forever, in our memories and our hearts. I can still almost feel her in my arms and hear her sweet voice. She even seemed a year older and more mature. Her hair was wavy, she was wearing a t-shirt and shorts. She even smelled like Bath and Body Works Sweet Pea. I also remember thinking that without a SS # she would have to live with us forever. Amazing! She does lives with us forever. In our hearts and precious memories we carry with us EVERY. DAY.
The timing of this dream is no accident, it was ordained by God. Less than 24 hours before I gave up my desire and realized His. When I was obedient to Him and realized that ALL I need is Him and MORE of Him, He gave me the desire of my heart. That is the GREATEST lesson I learned his year. What a precious gift. Thank you Lord!
Add Comment
Victoria says...
"You are amazing! The ability to share with us your pain & your joy in remembering Rachel. There is no doubt that God has been with you EVERY step this past year. You are right, all we need is HIM! Thank you for sharing - MAY GOD BLESS YOU!" (4/28/09)
Brenda Simmons says...
"Georgia,
Many of us are on the North end reading your Blog. We are all crying. What you wrote and how you describe your experiences are touching us all. God bless you as you continue on this journey. It will be a lifetime journey for you. Daily you will think of Rachel and long for the day you wrap your arms around her once more.
Brenda
" (4/29/09)
Ronda Kersey says...
"Georgia,
Once again I want to say what an amazing inspiration you are to all. Your strength & faith is amazing & I feel so blessed to have you as my friend. My thoughts & prayers are with you always & especially this week as you celebrate & remember Rachel's precious life. Thank you for being you!
Ronda" (4/29/09)
Emiley says...
"I feel so blessed to know you!! I hope you know just how admired you are!! What a PRECIOUS gift!!! Thank-you so much for sharing!!" (4/30/09)
Pam Ferron says...
"Georgia,
I weep as I read about your dream and so happy that God gave it to you and allowed you to see Rachel again and to speak with her and hold her. Thank you for being at the Potter's wheel and letting everyone see it. Bless you dear lady!" (4/30/09)
Never thought I would be standing here…
It's really hard to believe it's been a year...
I never in a million years thought I would be standing here… but here I stand. The journey has been sweet. Is it one I would have asked for or signed up for? Absolutely NOT! But here I stand. And I am thankful that the Lord did not allow me to stand here long. I am thankful that HE urged me on this last year, urged me to take one step after another and brought me one step closer to Him every time. I am thankful for every lesson learned this year. Was is it easy ~ no. Is it easier ~ sometimes maybe a little bit. Do I miss her ~ yes. Do I long to hold her ~ yes. Do I long to hear her sweet voice say "I love you momma, or sleep, sleep" ~ yes. Do I want her back ~ NO! Does that diminish my love for her ~ NO! I would have missed this incredible journey with HIM.
Add Comment
Marie says...
"I am praying for you today. It seems to me though, that God already has you wrapped up tight. Your example of a Christian woman is awesome. You give other people around you a peace that is undescribable. I hope you are able to go on someday and help other women, if you haven't already, to cope with this kind of loss. God's plan for you has unfolded so beautifully. Only he can make something like a child's passing turn into an amazing and shining example like you've become. I know that we are all suppose to know the order(God Wife Mother Friend), but sometimes is so hard to keep your life just in that order, but here you've done it. I'm so proud to know you and get to share your space. Thanks for this amazing web site. I bet you never really thought that something so personal for you and your family would be able to touch and help heal so many other people. You're ok, you lived thru all of this and are a better person for it. People always try to tell you that it will turn out that way, but who really ever thinks it will happen. Love you girl." (4/28/09)
Emiley says...
"I am praying for you today Georgia!! I weep for you today!! Love ya!!" (4/28/09)
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Journey to Beauty Instead of Ashes...
I have been up, down and all over the place this week. I knew that the Lord was leading me to tackle something difficult and be done with a certain task one last time. I had so many questions and visions of what happened that night a year ago. I needed answers. In January, with help from our pastor, Leon and others I went back to “that night.” Those accounts answered many of my questions and confirmed others. I needed it. It hurt, it was hard, it and made me angry. Angry at her, at Him and myself. It made me tackle feelings and emotions that needed addressing. It was very healing and a part of the journey that I needed. I put those accounts in a notebook and let them be for awhile. I knew back then that He would ask me go back there one more time and then He would ask me to burn them at some point. HE kept taking me back to this “and provide for those who grieve in Zion ~ to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” ~ Isaiah 61:3
I knew when I got up this morning that today would be the day and had prayed and prayed and prayed over it. I sat down to go over them and almost immediately felt Him tell me
Go to the cemetery
the cemetery?
Yes, the cemetery
I gathered up my things and went to the cemetery. I sat down by her headstone and began to read them aloud.
All of them. I wept at times, cried out to Him at times, I even smiled and chuckled a few times. Remembering those chipped “hot pink” fingernails made me laugh. I sat there for a bit and just enjoyed the breeze and time spent with Him. I smiled at the thought of Rachel meeting those family members that had gone before and her greeting her Papa Fred and of course my daddy. Those thoughts really warmed my heart. I have been at peace with Rachel since my dream last week but this time spent at the cemetery really confirmed that peace.
I came home not knowing when HE would prompt me to burn them. Honestly I thought it would be on April 28th. I came inside and wrote a few thoughts down and thought I was done for the day…
Now
Now?
Now
Okay, where? It’s awfully windy. The only place I could think of without starting a neighborhood fire was the grill and yes I was worried about that. Again, I quickly gathered up my things, grabbed some matches and headed outside. I cleaned out the grill, layed the papers down and lit them. As I watched them burn, I thanked Him for the last year.
I thanked Him for the journey with Him. It has been sweet. It has been a gift. I thanked Him for the gift of her life and yes the gift of her death. And yes, that is hard to write but I truly mean it. God is good. All the time!
And now I have these beautiful ashes… a wondrous reminder of how He has worked this past year.
Add Comment
Carrie says...
"Thank you for sharing your journey. You are truley a role model and a wonderful big sister. Love Carrie" (4/28/09)
Aunt Judy says...
"I have cried and mourned with you, Chris and Andrew through this year. It's a blessed assurance that our loved ones are all together in Heaven. " (4/28/09)
Robin says...
"I am crying now as I read this. You have truly been on a journey this past year and God has revealed so much of Himself to you. I think you should consider writing a book about the year after losing a child. You have such a way of capturing what you are feeling with words. Love you so much!" (4/28/09)
Friday, April 24, 2009
April 24, 2009
I can't believe it's almost been a year... so hard yet this year has been such a gift!
A couple favorite memories of Andrew and Rachel together...
We were on a trip to Colorado, I think Andrew was 7, Rachel was 3. Anybody that has kids I am sure has had to draw the "imaginary line" down the middle of the back seat. It was a long trip and the two of them were fussing and fighting. We had resorted to the drawing the line... it got real quiet and Rachel scrunched her face all mad like, crossed her arms over her chest and looked over at Andrew and said... "don't you be lookin' out my window either!" If Andrew said anything back I don't remember, Chris and I were too busy trying not to bust out laughing.
My other favorite... She was 9 and Andrew was 12... I had bought her first bras and surprised her with them. We got one put on and she ran into the living room modeling it for Andrew screaming "Andrew, Andrew look at my new bra!" All I heard was, "Rachel stop I don't want to see your dumb bra!" Undeterred and a little blonde I might add, she put on the second one and did the same for Andrew. This time I heard, "Mom, make her quit that's GROSS!" All she do was giggle VERY proudly! I miss the fussin' and fightin' and of course the lovin'...
Chris and I were sitting outside enjoying the evening breeze and "remembering." One of his favorites was the time Rachel and Andrew were doing something one evening and she looked at him and said "I said get me a napkin" all stern and grown up like. He just looked at her dumbfounded and of course handed her a napkin.
One more... she sneezed one time, nobody said bless you. She looked at all of us and said, "well is anybody gonna bless me or not?"
My babies...
Add Comment
Marie says...
"Thankyou for being such a blessing. You make the rest of stop and make mention of the little things that matter the most, the things that we all take for granted. I've thought about you a lot, given the season. The regional track meet is next weekend, and Rachel has really been on my heart. I think about the track T-shirt that her name is listed on from last year, and wish that I could print another one again this year. She's missed on so many levels. Even after almost a year, Taelor says that it still does not seem real. There's a little girl in Taelor's gymnastics class that Taelor says reminds her of Rachel. She still talks about Rachel like she sees her every day, never in the past-tense. I guess you probably could relate to her thought process better than anybody. It's very sweet to watch, but inside it makes me very sad. It's amazing to watch how you've handled everything. God. That's all anyone ever needs to know and realize. Thanks for sharing this last year with all of us. Your courage is unbelievable, well unless you know where it came from. Love you, Marie" (4/24/09)
LJ says...
"I remember the bra stories, too funny to see them in my mind again, and Andrew rolling his eyes as you tell it. I am thankful for memories such as these, and was just telling someone this am about how Rachel was the only "girl" at Judson and Colton's birthday parties for years, she handled it well. I remember our last earthly conversation and her sweetness in me buying those drill team candles, and know when I see her in Heaven she will still be saying, "Oh Mrs. Waaaaaall", must say, I can not wait to hear it again!
Much love!!" (4/24/09)
Carrie says...
"I remember her uncle boo taking her to pick up girls. Andrew was always willing to go with his Uncle Boo to meet girls. However, Boo took her one day and brought Rachel back shortly after as she had crawled out of her car seat and hid on the floor. He had several people try to talk with her, but she would not budge. Her uncle brought her back saying she was not a girl magent like he had hoped. Her Grandpa reminded him that he did not need to use Rachel to get girls as they just swooned over him. I also remember how Rachel adored her Uncle Boo. When she got upset while in Fort Worth Uncle Boo could always make it better. " (4/27/09)
A couple favorite memories of Andrew and Rachel together...
We were on a trip to Colorado, I think Andrew was 7, Rachel was 3. Anybody that has kids I am sure has had to draw the "imaginary line" down the middle of the back seat. It was a long trip and the two of them were fussing and fighting. We had resorted to the drawing the line... it got real quiet and Rachel scrunched her face all mad like, crossed her arms over her chest and looked over at Andrew and said... "don't you be lookin' out my window either!" If Andrew said anything back I don't remember, Chris and I were too busy trying not to bust out laughing.
My other favorite... She was 9 and Andrew was 12... I had bought her first bras and surprised her with them. We got one put on and she ran into the living room modeling it for Andrew screaming "Andrew, Andrew look at my new bra!" All I heard was, "Rachel stop I don't want to see your dumb bra!" Undeterred and a little blonde I might add, she put on the second one and did the same for Andrew. This time I heard, "Mom, make her quit that's GROSS!" All she do was giggle VERY proudly! I miss the fussin' and fightin' and of course the lovin'...
Chris and I were sitting outside enjoying the evening breeze and "remembering." One of his favorites was the time Rachel and Andrew were doing something one evening and she looked at him and said "I said get me a napkin" all stern and grown up like. He just looked at her dumbfounded and of course handed her a napkin.
One more... she sneezed one time, nobody said bless you. She looked at all of us and said, "well is anybody gonna bless me or not?"
My babies...
Add Comment
Marie says...
"Thankyou for being such a blessing. You make the rest of stop and make mention of the little things that matter the most, the things that we all take for granted. I've thought about you a lot, given the season. The regional track meet is next weekend, and Rachel has really been on my heart. I think about the track T-shirt that her name is listed on from last year, and wish that I could print another one again this year. She's missed on so many levels. Even after almost a year, Taelor says that it still does not seem real. There's a little girl in Taelor's gymnastics class that Taelor says reminds her of Rachel. She still talks about Rachel like she sees her every day, never in the past-tense. I guess you probably could relate to her thought process better than anybody. It's very sweet to watch, but inside it makes me very sad. It's amazing to watch how you've handled everything. God. That's all anyone ever needs to know and realize. Thanks for sharing this last year with all of us. Your courage is unbelievable, well unless you know where it came from. Love you, Marie" (4/24/09)
LJ says...
"I remember the bra stories, too funny to see them in my mind again, and Andrew rolling his eyes as you tell it. I am thankful for memories such as these, and was just telling someone this am about how Rachel was the only "girl" at Judson and Colton's birthday parties for years, she handled it well. I remember our last earthly conversation and her sweetness in me buying those drill team candles, and know when I see her in Heaven she will still be saying, "Oh Mrs. Waaaaaall", must say, I can not wait to hear it again!
Much love!!" (4/24/09)
Carrie says...
"I remember her uncle boo taking her to pick up girls. Andrew was always willing to go with his Uncle Boo to meet girls. However, Boo took her one day and brought Rachel back shortly after as she had crawled out of her car seat and hid on the floor. He had several people try to talk with her, but she would not budge. Her uncle brought her back saying she was not a girl magent like he had hoped. Her Grandpa reminded him that he did not need to use Rachel to get girls as they just swooned over him. I also remember how Rachel adored her Uncle Boo. When she got upset while in Fort Worth Uncle Boo could always make it better. " (4/27/09)
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Easter... the newness of the season
He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all. Isaiah 53:3-6
Another first, yet so different. Different because I have a newer and deeper appreciation for Easter than ever before. At the suggestion of a sweet friend who has also buried a child I watched The Passion yesterday, Good Friday. I watched it with new eyes and new feelings.
A few of my thoughts…
~ I related to Peter in a way I never had before. I am just like him… how many times have I promised to follow Him and then deny Him? Ouch
~ Jesus you did this for me
~ Each blow to the face, lash with the whip and nail through his flesh is repelling and an indisputable testimony of divine love
~ Every lash of the whip I did to you
~ A crown of thorns placed on your head for me
~ It was excruciating to watch
~ It was and is personal
~ You humbled yourself for me
~ I felt all over again the pain of not only realizing my Savior died for me… but the pain of watching my baby die. I felt Mary’s pain intensely! She kissed His feet. I kissed every one of her fingers and toes as I said goodbye one last time. She held Him… She wept, oh the hurt she must have felt, I feel it…
~ His heart broke with compassion for his mother
~ He looks on us with the same compassion
~ Mary’s grief and my grief and confusion were nothing compared to the awesome work accomplished that afternoon
~ Christ will do glorious works that involve suffering and loss. He persists in a greater glory. He knows one day I will understand
~ At the very moment Christ was dying on the cross, salvation was secured for all who would believe. The enemy was defeated. God was momentarily turning His face as every sin known to man was heaped on His Son. The hours Christ spent on the cross represented the most significant moments ever
~ I know because He died for me and rose again I will see my baby again… Hallelujah!!!
I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints,and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, 20which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms,far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. Ephesians 1:18-21
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all. Isaiah 53:3-6
Another first, yet so different. Different because I have a newer and deeper appreciation for Easter than ever before. At the suggestion of a sweet friend who has also buried a child I watched The Passion yesterday, Good Friday. I watched it with new eyes and new feelings.
A few of my thoughts…
~ I related to Peter in a way I never had before. I am just like him… how many times have I promised to follow Him and then deny Him? Ouch
~ Jesus you did this for me
~ Each blow to the face, lash with the whip and nail through his flesh is repelling and an indisputable testimony of divine love
~ Every lash of the whip I did to you
~ A crown of thorns placed on your head for me
~ It was excruciating to watch
~ It was and is personal
~ You humbled yourself for me
~ I felt all over again the pain of not only realizing my Savior died for me… but the pain of watching my baby die. I felt Mary’s pain intensely! She kissed His feet. I kissed every one of her fingers and toes as I said goodbye one last time. She held Him… She wept, oh the hurt she must have felt, I feel it…
~ His heart broke with compassion for his mother
~ He looks on us with the same compassion
~ Mary’s grief and my grief and confusion were nothing compared to the awesome work accomplished that afternoon
~ Christ will do glorious works that involve suffering and loss. He persists in a greater glory. He knows one day I will understand
~ At the very moment Christ was dying on the cross, salvation was secured for all who would believe. The enemy was defeated. God was momentarily turning His face as every sin known to man was heaped on His Son. The hours Christ spent on the cross represented the most significant moments ever
~ I know because He died for me and rose again I will see my baby again… Hallelujah!!!
I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints,and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, 20which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms,far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. Ephesians 1:18-21
Friday, April 3, 2009
Bad Dream...
Here goes...
I tried to read my chronological Bible and a good Christian novel in bed for a bit until around 11 or a little after. I thought I was sleepy and snuggled up to chris who is sleeping very soundly I might ad. He was sawing logs quite nicely... I snuggled my feet under Griff to get them warm. I initially had trouble going to sleep so I began to pray... pray for Jamie and Josh and this weekend that they would be open to hear His voice and the enemy would be kept away! I prayed for our church, you and Tricia and your family and then I began to pray for this month for Chris, Andrew and I. Andrew may not be able to come home afterall, maneuvers that weekend. He will be a specialist tomorrow, aka Corporal. I also prayed for all those directly affected by Rachel's death. Then for me... I told HIM that I want to see her, hold her, feel her presence, feel her hug, hear her sweet voice say "momma," I want to feel her sweet lips kiss mine and hear her say muwah with a big smack. As I drifted off to sleep it was as if the room became this cloudy white filled place. The room was amazing, I thought I would see her even if just for a moment. I slept a bit and then the room changed... I was standing before a big black conveyor belt that I was told by someone that would take me to her and to my precious Samuel and David. I reached, and reached, and reached. I couldn't reach it and then it felt wrong almost scary to reach it, not really knowing where it would take me. I wanted to so bad though.... A part of me really wanted to go but I aslo knew that I am supposed to stay here and continue this journey... I began to pull my arms back and I couldn’t move them, now I was scared. I needed to stay here- it was difficult to move my arms back. Now I was really scared and willed my eyes to open from this dream. When I was finally able Ito wake up I was very disoriented and had to pat Chris on the chest to realize I was awake and try to look around our very dark bedroom. I knew the dream was gone. I was afraid to go back to sleep for fear of it being continued, however I prayed myself back to sleep for about an hour and then the LORD promted me out of bed. Thinking, how bad did I really want to be with her? I want it badly but not right now not like this... I miss her, I just want to feel a hug or see her sweet smile... I want this month to be over... Right now I feel like a bit of a basket case...
trying to go back to bed, even if to read for a bit... no more weird dreams!!!
I tried to read my chronological Bible and a good Christian novel in bed for a bit until around 11 or a little after. I thought I was sleepy and snuggled up to chris who is sleeping very soundly I might ad. He was sawing logs quite nicely... I snuggled my feet under Griff to get them warm. I initially had trouble going to sleep so I began to pray... pray for Jamie and Josh and this weekend that they would be open to hear His voice and the enemy would be kept away! I prayed for our church, you and Tricia and your family and then I began to pray for this month for Chris, Andrew and I. Andrew may not be able to come home afterall, maneuvers that weekend. He will be a specialist tomorrow, aka Corporal. I also prayed for all those directly affected by Rachel's death. Then for me... I told HIM that I want to see her, hold her, feel her presence, feel her hug, hear her sweet voice say "momma," I want to feel her sweet lips kiss mine and hear her say muwah with a big smack. As I drifted off to sleep it was as if the room became this cloudy white filled place. The room was amazing, I thought I would see her even if just for a moment. I slept a bit and then the room changed... I was standing before a big black conveyor belt that I was told by someone that would take me to her and to my precious Samuel and David. I reached, and reached, and reached. I couldn't reach it and then it felt wrong almost scary to reach it, not really knowing where it would take me. I wanted to so bad though.... A part of me really wanted to go but I aslo knew that I am supposed to stay here and continue this journey... I began to pull my arms back and I couldn’t move them, now I was scared. I needed to stay here- it was difficult to move my arms back. Now I was really scared and willed my eyes to open from this dream. When I was finally able Ito wake up I was very disoriented and had to pat Chris on the chest to realize I was awake and try to look around our very dark bedroom. I knew the dream was gone. I was afraid to go back to sleep for fear of it being continued, however I prayed myself back to sleep for about an hour and then the LORD promted me out of bed. Thinking, how bad did I really want to be with her? I want it badly but not right now not like this... I miss her, I just want to feel a hug or see her sweet smile... I want this month to be over... Right now I feel like a bit of a basket case...
trying to go back to bed, even if to read for a bit... no more weird dreams!!!
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Blessed...
As I am doing my Bible study, Stepping Up, I am learning about the word “blessed.” It has caused me to really reflect on the meaning of this word. I have always thought of blessed as just another way of saying happy. True, but there is so much more to this word. He continues to amaze me, I needed this today...
Blessed is defined as: consecrated; sacred; holy; sanctified, worthy of adoration, reverence, or worship, divinely or supremely favored; fortunate, blissfully happy or contented.
According to Beth Moore, “Biblically, one is pronounced blessed when God is present and involved in his life. The hand of God is directing all his affairs for a divine purpose, and thus, in a sense, such a person lived, coram Deo, before the face of God. Sometimes the circumstances of our suffering may not change, but the circumstances of our hearts are changed in the midst of them through a keen sense of God’s presence and a lively perception of His activity.
Blessedness describes the condition of a person who reveres God, steeps her life in Him, and follows His ways. She doesn’t just look to God in spiritual or religious matters. She looks to Him in every matter. He’s not just the most important part of her life. He is her life. The result of this divine invasion is that her life operates overall with joy, peace, hope and purpose.”
Blessed is what I want, it is what I desire, it is what I hunger and thirst for, it is what I pray for…
Add Comment
Kevlyn says...
"Thanks for sharing your most inner thoughts that come about in the midst of getting closer to our Father, HIM, The Almighty, Lord of Lords. Only God can put such in a Spirit that hungers after HIM. Continue to seek his face, for in his face comes about TRUTH. (Kevelyn)" (3/15/09)
Blessed is defined as: consecrated; sacred; holy; sanctified, worthy of adoration, reverence, or worship, divinely or supremely favored; fortunate, blissfully happy or contented.
According to Beth Moore, “Biblically, one is pronounced blessed when God is present and involved in his life. The hand of God is directing all his affairs for a divine purpose, and thus, in a sense, such a person lived, coram Deo, before the face of God. Sometimes the circumstances of our suffering may not change, but the circumstances of our hearts are changed in the midst of them through a keen sense of God’s presence and a lively perception of His activity.
Blessedness describes the condition of a person who reveres God, steeps her life in Him, and follows His ways. She doesn’t just look to God in spiritual or religious matters. She looks to Him in every matter. He’s not just the most important part of her life. He is her life. The result of this divine invasion is that her life operates overall with joy, peace, hope and purpose.”
Blessed is what I want, it is what I desire, it is what I hunger and thirst for, it is what I pray for…
Add Comment
Kevlyn says...
"Thanks for sharing your most inner thoughts that come about in the midst of getting closer to our Father, HIM, The Almighty, Lord of Lords. Only God can put such in a Spirit that hungers after HIM. Continue to seek his face, for in his face comes about TRUTH. (Kevelyn)" (3/15/09)
Thursday, February 26, 2009
40 days...
February 26, 2009
Prayer and fasting… just what does that mean? For me it meant examining my life, I mean really examining my life in Him. And examining the “things” that were getting in the way of going “deeper” with Him. I had to deal with some stuff… it was hard. Not the actual fast… dealing with the stuff. Sure I dealt with “wanting” what I had given up as part of my fast but really that was easier than I thought. It was even sort of fun exploring new foods as I gave up others. I have learned to like some new things and realized that I can live without a lot the junk that I was eating. That wasn’t the real issue though, the issue was the stuff that was getting in the way of moving forward with Him. But first, God intended for me to rest, rest in Him awhile…
Dealing with the “stuff,” now that was hard. At times I even felt like He was silent, even distant… now that was painful. I realized that He wanted me in a place of listening, learning and reflecting. I have also learned that some lessons, probably the greatest ones are learned when I am flat on my face with my mouth SHUT! I so want to see and hear Him every step of this journey. I have never longed for Him more.
The stuff or my thoughts as written in my journal…
February 2, 2009
~ Jesus gave up His rights for me, what right do I have to be angry or resentful ~ I don't
~ How can I be excited to spend time with Him or even be ready when He comes if I am angry ~ I want to be excited when He comes
~ the last couple of weeks I have felt blah, like I have been stuck with my wheels spinning and getting nowhere, the word I have been looking for and couldn't find is apathy ~ I don't like it
~ I have felt idle, even numb again ~ I don't like it. At first I thought and think that this idleness was so I could rest, I can't. I sleep and still don't feel rested, how can I when I am up at 1:30 for a couple of hours at a time or just sleep fitfully. The other night after being up for a couple of hours, I almost had a nightmare, if you can call it almost... It was my dad with blood all over his face and all I could think in my dream was that I was going to see Rachel next, as Chris found her... That scared me. I remember waking myself up and thinking please don't let that happen... I prayed myself back to sleep without seeing her that way, which is very selfish on my part. I also often pray that God would take that image from Chris.
~ I am not sure I will rest until I can let go of this anger/resentment ~ yet I can't
~ Before Rachel's death I had become complacent ~ I don't want to be like that ever again
~ how can I be "one" with Him, when I am angry at Him and her ~ I can't
~ my anger/resentment is keeping me from being "like minded" and surrendered to Him ~ I don't like it
~ I MUST surrender this anger/resentment, then I will have intimacy with Him again ~ I want to, I really do but I can't seem to let go. I longed to be able to do so yesterday, yet I couldn't
~ Now I am probably a little angry with myself too ~ I'd rather be mad at me than Him or her
I stayed here awhile; numb, angry, apathetic, idle, confused, angry some more… My anger and resentment are keeping me from being “like minded” with Him. That’s an uncomfortable place to be… I know that I need to work on the anger and resentment in order to have intimacy with Him.
February 3, 2009
I was challenged to read and meditate on Job 28: 12-28 & 38-42: 1-6
Then the LORD answered Job from the whirlwind… Job 38:1a
Just as the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm He speaks to me in the storm, when I need Him the most.
As I read and meditated further on these scriptures I began to realize: who am I to question Him? After I felt like He told me to “put my big girl panties on and listen up (38: 3b),” it was His turn to question me. His questions were tough… Did I participate in creation? Can I take care of the animals He created? Can I control the behemoth and the leviathan? What power do I have? What understanding? What control? What dominion? What authority? What wisdom? What providence? What knowledge? What freedom? What creativity? He demanded answers from Job and from me. Job felt unworthy and didn’t have any answers, neither did I. Who am I to question Him?
Job was honored by God ~ God could trust Job to remain faithful in spite of everything. Can He trust me like He trusted Job? I am trying to be thankful right now for this journey. At times it’s been easier, right now NOT.
However, I am learning and realizing the He has a purpose in all of our suffering. He wants to show me His wisdom. He wants the trial of our faith to work patience. Patience is not one of my gifts. I am learning… He wants to reveal character.
But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will sour on the wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31
February 7, 2009
I am up at 2 am. Again…
Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. James 1: 2-3
Remember the song Spirit of the Living God? Read the lyrics,
they became my prayer…
Spirit of the living God fall fresh on me
Spirit of the living God fall fresh on me
Melt me, mold me, fill me, use me
Spirit of the living God fall fresh on me
Fall fresh, fall down on me
Fall fresh, fall down on me
Melt me, mold me, fill me, use me
Fall, fall, fall, fall down on me
Spirit of the living God
Fall afresh, fall afresh, fall afresh on me
Today in Exodus I am reading about the Israelites and their pilgrimage into the Promised land. It always amazes me how He speaks to me not only through song but more importantly, His word.
In all the travels of the Israelites whenever the cloud lifted from above the tabernacle, they would set out; but if the cloud did not lift they did not set out - until the day it lifted. So the cloud of the LORD was over the tabernacle by day, and fire was in the cloud by night, in the sight of all the house of Israel during all their travels. Exodus 40:36-38
The cloud guided and protected the Israelites. They traveled and camped as God guided. I want to follow His guidance. I want to know I am right where He wants me even if it means staying put. I also know that I need to quit asking “what am I supposed to do next?” Instead I need to be asking “God, what am I supposed to be doing while I am here?” He has a purpose for this time, such a time as this…
I feel like the Israelites right now… the cloud is hovering and I am supposed to stay put for now. It’s hard. He is also reminding me that He never sends me into a situation alone. He always goes before me, as He did the children of Israel when He led them with a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. He always goes before me in any journey that I encounter. He is never caught by surprise, He has always been there. He is prepared to meet my every need and knows exactly what I need for this journey. Even better, He is with me too. I am never alone.
February 9, 2009
Back to Job 28: 12-28
Trust and obey, it purifies our faith. Quit asking why ~ He is beyond my comprehension and I cannot begin to know why He allows this suffering. My part is simply to remain faithful. He may never explain why. I can’t have His wisdom. To fear Him IS wisdom. It’s better to know Him than to know the answers. This journey is shaping me for something special ~ something only He can do.
February 14, 2009
I feel like He is keeping His distance from me. These last couple of weeks ~ no comfort or little comfort. He could do something, yet He doesn’t. Why? Maybe it’s to deepen my desire for Him, for His presence, to strengthen my passion to pursue Him, to help me see how preoccupied I have been with filling myself with something less than Him. I know God has a dream for my life, why can’t I just be patient and wait? He wants me to have true joy.
So I have sat here ALL day watching sappy “chick flicks” on TV and realizing Rachel would be parked in her bed or on the love seat snuggled up under a bunch a blankets watching all of them with me. She would laugh at me when I cry. After all they are pretty corny, but she knew what a bawl bag I am and got a pretty big kick out of it.
The feeling of numbness is wearing off, quickly I am afraid. The hurt, the pain, the missing her, the heartbreak of NEVER seeing her, hearing her sweet voice, seeing her precious and vibrant smile again all come flooding back. And no card with a five dollar bill in it from my daddy. I find myself in her room, in her closet taking her all in, looking at all the photos, touching her clothes. Her smell is still there. I know I will see her again someday, but I long for that moment right now!
February 18, 2009
You rejoice in this, though now for a short time you have had to be distressed by various trials so that the genuineness of your faith – more valuable than gold, which perishes though refined by fire – may result in praise, glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. I Peter 1: 6 & 7 Dear friends, when the fiery ordeal arises among you to test you, don’t be surprised by it, as if something unusual were happening to you. I Peter 4:12
Now the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will personally restore, establish, strengthen, and support you after you have suffered a little. I Peter 5:10
Bear with me, I am all over the map today.
This month has been a struggle… I have walked silently though this valley of uncertainty. I haven’t always understood, but the longer He has walked and talked with me the clearer things have become. He has reminded me that this “shattered dream” is for my benefit. His presence has become more real than ever; it is only when my dreams are completely “shattered” that I am able to see more clearly, the only ONE who really matters ~ Jesus.
The memories are flooding back… the Sunday afternoon one last kiss before I left for work, calling one more time after I left, I heard her voice for the last time. I can almost hear it now. The phone call. The girls at work gathering around me to pray, helping me get my stuff together, making phone calls and taking me to my daddy, then to Parkland. Telling my daddy. The drive over to Parkland, telling Marianne she was going to be okay no matter what, even if we didn't get to keep her. I told her that over and over again. Arriving at Parkland at EXACTLY the same time Chris did. Seeing his face. Feeling his embrace and love even in his own anguish. Going into "that room" and hearing what the Dr had to say about my baby girl. Seeing her in the ER. Telling her goodbye, one last time. Telling her I love her and she was the best girl ever. Telling her to go be with Jesus over and over again. Resting my head on her chest until I could no longer hear her heart beat. Praying scripture over her... "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and For I know that plans I have for you..." Kissing her on the cheek on more time, kissing each of her fingers and yes her toes. Being overwhelmed by ALL the people that came to be with us. Telling Chris that we would not let Satan have us. Promising him I would NEVER blame him. Feeling his guilt. Seeing Andrew for the first time. Oh, the relief. So many memories, so many firsts... Watching "chick flicks" without her. Valentine's Day without her this year. Hard.
The anger, the apathy, the numbness, the resentment; all gone for now… Now there is just pain, the pain of missing her.
Why does it get on my last nerve when people say, “when you lost Rachel?” Why? Because we did not lose her, she will always be with us. She will live on in our hearts and memories, always. Always. I see bits of her everywhere. I see how she touched and changed lives and continues to do so. She is still changing mine. I love that!
I want to quit dwelling on her death. I want to dwell on the sweet memories and the life she lived with us. I want her life to change others. It is our hope and prayer that His story, her story, our story changes hearts to accept the love and protection that come only from HIM!
Have I been resigned or surrendered to this journey? Or to this grief? Honestly, at times both. I want to be surrendered. I don’t have to understand, I just have to be surrendered.
Back to Job 38 – 42, who am I? He is either sovereign in my life or not. This last month I have been resigned to it. I want to be surrendered. I am ready to be surrendered.
I want… ONE heart, ONE mind, ONE passion, ONE covenant. I want to be surrendered to His plan. I want Him to show me what is next. I want joy that permeates this sorrow. I want this…
You turned my wailing into dancing; You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, so that my heart may sing you to You and not be silent. O LORD my God I will give you thanks forever. Psalm 30: 11-12
He keeps leading me back to this:
to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of his splendor. Isaiah 61:3
February 21, 2009
Finally took down the Christmas stuff today. It was easier than I thought, until I got to her stocking… I gazed at it hanging there, I took it down and held it for a moment. I clutched it to my chest and cried. Then He gently reminded me that we are walking on new ground and He is doing a new thing… God is up to something big, bigger than me. I am reminded of the words to the song
“Whatever You’re Doing”
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see,
But I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time for a milestone, time to begin again, re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything - I surrender
Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out that I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but I believe ...
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life
Something heavenly
I am excited to see what this new thing is, it’s new ground…
February 22, 2009
40 days… WOW!
Add Comment
LJ says...
"I sigh! Heart wrenching to read, but am so thankful you are continuing to seek His guidance and know this journey is for you and yours. You know so many of us are living this journey with you, in the only way we can live it, praying, loving and lifting you all up. Having our memories we can hold onto, and knowing we will see her again. Thanks for sharing from your heart, your 40 days. Much love!" (3/4/09)
Emiley Wright says...
"My heart ached to read this.. But I'm so glad I did. Like the comment says below, THANK-YOU for sharing your heart. Many Prayers & love sent your way!!! " (3/5/09)
Prayer and fasting… just what does that mean? For me it meant examining my life, I mean really examining my life in Him. And examining the “things” that were getting in the way of going “deeper” with Him. I had to deal with some stuff… it was hard. Not the actual fast… dealing with the stuff. Sure I dealt with “wanting” what I had given up as part of my fast but really that was easier than I thought. It was even sort of fun exploring new foods as I gave up others. I have learned to like some new things and realized that I can live without a lot the junk that I was eating. That wasn’t the real issue though, the issue was the stuff that was getting in the way of moving forward with Him. But first, God intended for me to rest, rest in Him awhile…
Dealing with the “stuff,” now that was hard. At times I even felt like He was silent, even distant… now that was painful. I realized that He wanted me in a place of listening, learning and reflecting. I have also learned that some lessons, probably the greatest ones are learned when I am flat on my face with my mouth SHUT! I so want to see and hear Him every step of this journey. I have never longed for Him more.
The stuff or my thoughts as written in my journal…
February 2, 2009
~ Jesus gave up His rights for me, what right do I have to be angry or resentful ~ I don't
~ How can I be excited to spend time with Him or even be ready when He comes if I am angry ~ I want to be excited when He comes
~ the last couple of weeks I have felt blah, like I have been stuck with my wheels spinning and getting nowhere, the word I have been looking for and couldn't find is apathy ~ I don't like it
~ I have felt idle, even numb again ~ I don't like it. At first I thought and think that this idleness was so I could rest, I can't. I sleep and still don't feel rested, how can I when I am up at 1:30 for a couple of hours at a time or just sleep fitfully. The other night after being up for a couple of hours, I almost had a nightmare, if you can call it almost... It was my dad with blood all over his face and all I could think in my dream was that I was going to see Rachel next, as Chris found her... That scared me. I remember waking myself up and thinking please don't let that happen... I prayed myself back to sleep without seeing her that way, which is very selfish on my part. I also often pray that God would take that image from Chris.
~ I am not sure I will rest until I can let go of this anger/resentment ~ yet I can't
~ Before Rachel's death I had become complacent ~ I don't want to be like that ever again
~ how can I be "one" with Him, when I am angry at Him and her ~ I can't
~ my anger/resentment is keeping me from being "like minded" and surrendered to Him ~ I don't like it
~ I MUST surrender this anger/resentment, then I will have intimacy with Him again ~ I want to, I really do but I can't seem to let go. I longed to be able to do so yesterday, yet I couldn't
~ Now I am probably a little angry with myself too ~ I'd rather be mad at me than Him or her
I stayed here awhile; numb, angry, apathetic, idle, confused, angry some more… My anger and resentment are keeping me from being “like minded” with Him. That’s an uncomfortable place to be… I know that I need to work on the anger and resentment in order to have intimacy with Him.
February 3, 2009
I was challenged to read and meditate on Job 28: 12-28 & 38-42: 1-6
Then the LORD answered Job from the whirlwind… Job 38:1a
Just as the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm He speaks to me in the storm, when I need Him the most.
As I read and meditated further on these scriptures I began to realize: who am I to question Him? After I felt like He told me to “put my big girl panties on and listen up (38: 3b),” it was His turn to question me. His questions were tough… Did I participate in creation? Can I take care of the animals He created? Can I control the behemoth and the leviathan? What power do I have? What understanding? What control? What dominion? What authority? What wisdom? What providence? What knowledge? What freedom? What creativity? He demanded answers from Job and from me. Job felt unworthy and didn’t have any answers, neither did I. Who am I to question Him?
Job was honored by God ~ God could trust Job to remain faithful in spite of everything. Can He trust me like He trusted Job? I am trying to be thankful right now for this journey. At times it’s been easier, right now NOT.
However, I am learning and realizing the He has a purpose in all of our suffering. He wants to show me His wisdom. He wants the trial of our faith to work patience. Patience is not one of my gifts. I am learning… He wants to reveal character.
But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will sour on the wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31
February 7, 2009
I am up at 2 am. Again…
Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. James 1: 2-3
Remember the song Spirit of the Living God? Read the lyrics,
they became my prayer…
Spirit of the living God fall fresh on me
Spirit of the living God fall fresh on me
Melt me, mold me, fill me, use me
Spirit of the living God fall fresh on me
Fall fresh, fall down on me
Fall fresh, fall down on me
Melt me, mold me, fill me, use me
Fall, fall, fall, fall down on me
Spirit of the living God
Fall afresh, fall afresh, fall afresh on me
Today in Exodus I am reading about the Israelites and their pilgrimage into the Promised land. It always amazes me how He speaks to me not only through song but more importantly, His word.
In all the travels of the Israelites whenever the cloud lifted from above the tabernacle, they would set out; but if the cloud did not lift they did not set out - until the day it lifted. So the cloud of the LORD was over the tabernacle by day, and fire was in the cloud by night, in the sight of all the house of Israel during all their travels. Exodus 40:36-38
The cloud guided and protected the Israelites. They traveled and camped as God guided. I want to follow His guidance. I want to know I am right where He wants me even if it means staying put. I also know that I need to quit asking “what am I supposed to do next?” Instead I need to be asking “God, what am I supposed to be doing while I am here?” He has a purpose for this time, such a time as this…
I feel like the Israelites right now… the cloud is hovering and I am supposed to stay put for now. It’s hard. He is also reminding me that He never sends me into a situation alone. He always goes before me, as He did the children of Israel when He led them with a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. He always goes before me in any journey that I encounter. He is never caught by surprise, He has always been there. He is prepared to meet my every need and knows exactly what I need for this journey. Even better, He is with me too. I am never alone.
February 9, 2009
Back to Job 28: 12-28
Trust and obey, it purifies our faith. Quit asking why ~ He is beyond my comprehension and I cannot begin to know why He allows this suffering. My part is simply to remain faithful. He may never explain why. I can’t have His wisdom. To fear Him IS wisdom. It’s better to know Him than to know the answers. This journey is shaping me for something special ~ something only He can do.
February 14, 2009
I feel like He is keeping His distance from me. These last couple of weeks ~ no comfort or little comfort. He could do something, yet He doesn’t. Why? Maybe it’s to deepen my desire for Him, for His presence, to strengthen my passion to pursue Him, to help me see how preoccupied I have been with filling myself with something less than Him. I know God has a dream for my life, why can’t I just be patient and wait? He wants me to have true joy.
So I have sat here ALL day watching sappy “chick flicks” on TV and realizing Rachel would be parked in her bed or on the love seat snuggled up under a bunch a blankets watching all of them with me. She would laugh at me when I cry. After all they are pretty corny, but she knew what a bawl bag I am and got a pretty big kick out of it.
The feeling of numbness is wearing off, quickly I am afraid. The hurt, the pain, the missing her, the heartbreak of NEVER seeing her, hearing her sweet voice, seeing her precious and vibrant smile again all come flooding back. And no card with a five dollar bill in it from my daddy. I find myself in her room, in her closet taking her all in, looking at all the photos, touching her clothes. Her smell is still there. I know I will see her again someday, but I long for that moment right now!
February 18, 2009
You rejoice in this, though now for a short time you have had to be distressed by various trials so that the genuineness of your faith – more valuable than gold, which perishes though refined by fire – may result in praise, glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. I Peter 1: 6 & 7 Dear friends, when the fiery ordeal arises among you to test you, don’t be surprised by it, as if something unusual were happening to you. I Peter 4:12
Now the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will personally restore, establish, strengthen, and support you after you have suffered a little. I Peter 5:10
Bear with me, I am all over the map today.
This month has been a struggle… I have walked silently though this valley of uncertainty. I haven’t always understood, but the longer He has walked and talked with me the clearer things have become. He has reminded me that this “shattered dream” is for my benefit. His presence has become more real than ever; it is only when my dreams are completely “shattered” that I am able to see more clearly, the only ONE who really matters ~ Jesus.
The memories are flooding back… the Sunday afternoon one last kiss before I left for work, calling one more time after I left, I heard her voice for the last time. I can almost hear it now. The phone call. The girls at work gathering around me to pray, helping me get my stuff together, making phone calls and taking me to my daddy, then to Parkland. Telling my daddy. The drive over to Parkland, telling Marianne she was going to be okay no matter what, even if we didn't get to keep her. I told her that over and over again. Arriving at Parkland at EXACTLY the same time Chris did. Seeing his face. Feeling his embrace and love even in his own anguish. Going into "that room" and hearing what the Dr had to say about my baby girl. Seeing her in the ER. Telling her goodbye, one last time. Telling her I love her and she was the best girl ever. Telling her to go be with Jesus over and over again. Resting my head on her chest until I could no longer hear her heart beat. Praying scripture over her... "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and For I know that plans I have for you..." Kissing her on the cheek on more time, kissing each of her fingers and yes her toes. Being overwhelmed by ALL the people that came to be with us. Telling Chris that we would not let Satan have us. Promising him I would NEVER blame him. Feeling his guilt. Seeing Andrew for the first time. Oh, the relief. So many memories, so many firsts... Watching "chick flicks" without her. Valentine's Day without her this year. Hard.
The anger, the apathy, the numbness, the resentment; all gone for now… Now there is just pain, the pain of missing her.
Why does it get on my last nerve when people say, “when you lost Rachel?” Why? Because we did not lose her, she will always be with us. She will live on in our hearts and memories, always. Always. I see bits of her everywhere. I see how she touched and changed lives and continues to do so. She is still changing mine. I love that!
I want to quit dwelling on her death. I want to dwell on the sweet memories and the life she lived with us. I want her life to change others. It is our hope and prayer that His story, her story, our story changes hearts to accept the love and protection that come only from HIM!
Have I been resigned or surrendered to this journey? Or to this grief? Honestly, at times both. I want to be surrendered. I don’t have to understand, I just have to be surrendered.
Back to Job 38 – 42, who am I? He is either sovereign in my life or not. This last month I have been resigned to it. I want to be surrendered. I am ready to be surrendered.
I want… ONE heart, ONE mind, ONE passion, ONE covenant. I want to be surrendered to His plan. I want Him to show me what is next. I want joy that permeates this sorrow. I want this…
You turned my wailing into dancing; You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, so that my heart may sing you to You and not be silent. O LORD my God I will give you thanks forever. Psalm 30: 11-12
He keeps leading me back to this:
to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of his splendor. Isaiah 61:3
February 21, 2009
Finally took down the Christmas stuff today. It was easier than I thought, until I got to her stocking… I gazed at it hanging there, I took it down and held it for a moment. I clutched it to my chest and cried. Then He gently reminded me that we are walking on new ground and He is doing a new thing… God is up to something big, bigger than me. I am reminded of the words to the song
“Whatever You’re Doing”
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see,
But I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time for a milestone, time to begin again, re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything - I surrender
Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out that I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but I believe ...
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life
Something heavenly
I am excited to see what this new thing is, it’s new ground…
February 22, 2009
40 days… WOW!
Add Comment
LJ says...
"I sigh! Heart wrenching to read, but am so thankful you are continuing to seek His guidance and know this journey is for you and yours. You know so many of us are living this journey with you, in the only way we can live it, praying, loving and lifting you all up. Having our memories we can hold onto, and knowing we will see her again. Thanks for sharing from your heart, your 40 days. Much love!" (3/4/09)
Emiley Wright says...
"My heart ached to read this.. But I'm so glad I did. Like the comment says below, THANK-YOU for sharing your heart. Many Prayers & love sent your way!!! " (3/5/09)
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Anger...
We had a great night at work and I sat down so many times to journal and could not bring myself to do it. I guess it all started in Sunday School (Bearden's class), then confirmed in church, then in my drive to work. I may be all over the place, sorry...
my thoughts and what He has revealed to me...
Jesus gave up His rights for me, what right do I have to be angry or resentful~ I don't
How can I be excited to spend time with Him or even be ready when He comes if I am angry~ I want to be excited when He comes
the last couple of weeks I have felt blah, like I have been stuck with my wheels spinning and getting nowhere, the word I have been looking for and couldn't find is apathy~ I don't like it
I have felt idle~ I don't like it. At first I thought and think we both agreed that it was so I could rest, I can't. I sleep and still don't feel rested, how can I when I am up at 1:30 for a couple of hours at a time or just sleep fitfully. The other night after being up for a couple of hours, I almost had a nightmare, if you can call it almost... It was my dad with blood all over his face and all I could think in my dream was that I was going to see Rachel next, as Chris found her... That scared me. I remember waking myself up and thinking please don't let that happen... I prayed myself back to sleep without seeing her that way, which is very selfish on my part. I also often pray that God would take that image from Chris. Since then, my new "project" is going to be going through photo albums and pictures and journaling memories of her. I am going to do the same with Andrew... I'm still praying and waiting on Him to tell me what to do with the accounts of what happened that night, it will probably be to burn them, just waiting on Him...
I am not sure I will rest until I can let go of this anger/resentment~ yet I can't
Before Rachel's death I had become complacent~ I don't want to be like that ever again
how can I be "one" with Him, when I am angry at Him and her~ I can't
my anger/resentment is keeping me from being "like minded" and surrendered to Him~ I don't like it
I MUST surrender this anger/resentment, then I will have intimacy with Him again~ I want to, I really do but I can't seem to let go. I longed to be able to do so yesterday, yet I couldn't
Now I am probably a little angry with myself too~ I'd rather be mad at me than Him or her, not self-destructibly I promise
my thoughts and what He has revealed to me...
Jesus gave up His rights for me, what right do I have to be angry or resentful~ I don't
How can I be excited to spend time with Him or even be ready when He comes if I am angry~ I want to be excited when He comes
the last couple of weeks I have felt blah, like I have been stuck with my wheels spinning and getting nowhere, the word I have been looking for and couldn't find is apathy~ I don't like it
I have felt idle~ I don't like it. At first I thought and think we both agreed that it was so I could rest, I can't. I sleep and still don't feel rested, how can I when I am up at 1:30 for a couple of hours at a time or just sleep fitfully. The other night after being up for a couple of hours, I almost had a nightmare, if you can call it almost... It was my dad with blood all over his face and all I could think in my dream was that I was going to see Rachel next, as Chris found her... That scared me. I remember waking myself up and thinking please don't let that happen... I prayed myself back to sleep without seeing her that way, which is very selfish on my part. I also often pray that God would take that image from Chris. Since then, my new "project" is going to be going through photo albums and pictures and journaling memories of her. I am going to do the same with Andrew... I'm still praying and waiting on Him to tell me what to do with the accounts of what happened that night, it will probably be to burn them, just waiting on Him...
I am not sure I will rest until I can let go of this anger/resentment~ yet I can't
Before Rachel's death I had become complacent~ I don't want to be like that ever again
how can I be "one" with Him, when I am angry at Him and her~ I can't
my anger/resentment is keeping me from being "like minded" and surrendered to Him~ I don't like it
I MUST surrender this anger/resentment, then I will have intimacy with Him again~ I want to, I really do but I can't seem to let go. I longed to be able to do so yesterday, yet I couldn't
Now I am probably a little angry with myself too~ I'd rather be mad at me than Him or her, not self-destructibly I promise
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Rest...
January 31, 2009 3am
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 11:28-29
Rest these days sounds awesome... yes I have been up since 1:30 am but I have been resting I promise. In Him, that is... A few weeks ago I became very angry and resentful, I'm still there. But my emotions have taken a rest. Jesus has given me rest for my weary soul for just a bit and I have decided to relish in it awhile. I need it... Grief is hard work. HE is teaching me patience, I want to be done. HE is also teaching me that this journey will never be over. It is not my goal to get over this grief. I will get past this anger and resentment I feel for Rachel and HIM. I want to get to a point where I can think about Rachel and not feel this intense pain. I know it will be awhile, for now I need rest...
When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. Psalm 84:6
I am walking through the valley~ it is NOT my final destination. I have to keep reminding myself of that one... I know too that God has something else, something GREAT in store for us as HE continues to meet us on this journey.
Add Comment
Cathy says...
"You know... your last sentence speaks volumes! My friend, our God does have something for you that is beyond your wildest dreams! Not just for you, but for Chris! Hang in there just doesn't seem like the right word to say so Hang on to Him because your blessings will be abundant!! Love you." (1/31/09)
Cyndi says...
"It is a long journey, I can't tell you when it will get better or if it will get tolerable but you can count on the LORD. 62:7 In GOD is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in GOD." (2/12/09)
Vicki Windham says...
"Georgia..I know that this journey has to be tough one but I know somehow through your experience you bless so many with your words," (2/20/09)
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 11:28-29
Rest these days sounds awesome... yes I have been up since 1:30 am but I have been resting I promise. In Him, that is... A few weeks ago I became very angry and resentful, I'm still there. But my emotions have taken a rest. Jesus has given me rest for my weary soul for just a bit and I have decided to relish in it awhile. I need it... Grief is hard work. HE is teaching me patience, I want to be done. HE is also teaching me that this journey will never be over. It is not my goal to get over this grief. I will get past this anger and resentment I feel for Rachel and HIM. I want to get to a point where I can think about Rachel and not feel this intense pain. I know it will be awhile, for now I need rest...
When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. Psalm 84:6
I am walking through the valley~ it is NOT my final destination. I have to keep reminding myself of that one... I know too that God has something else, something GREAT in store for us as HE continues to meet us on this journey.
Add Comment
Cathy says...
"You know... your last sentence speaks volumes! My friend, our God does have something for you that is beyond your wildest dreams! Not just for you, but for Chris! Hang in there just doesn't seem like the right word to say so Hang on to Him because your blessings will be abundant!! Love you." (1/31/09)
Cyndi says...
"It is a long journey, I can't tell you when it will get better or if it will get tolerable but you can count on the LORD. 62:7 In GOD is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in GOD." (2/12/09)
Vicki Windham says...
"Georgia..I know that this journey has to be tough one but I know somehow through your experience you bless so many with your words," (2/20/09)
Friday, January 16, 2009
Still...
Driving to work on Tuesday I was listening to the radio and CD's like always. I look forward to the time I have in the car ~ it's always a great time of worship and time spent with Him, mostly listening. It's always exactly what I need to hear.
Still
The more I get alone
The more I see I need to get alone more, more
Cause just when I think that I'm alone
Your Spirit calls out to me
And even silence has a song
Cause that's when You come
Sing over me
Still, let me be still
Let me be okay
With the quiet in my heart
Still, I want to be still
I'm so quick to move
Instead of listening to You
Shut my mouth
Crush my pride
Give me the tears
Of a broken life
Still
Of this world, it falls around me
And flutters all it's beauty in my eyes
But let me choose the solitude
Simplicity has always simply changed my life
Cause even stillness makes me move
Cause that's when my heart
Learns to dance with you (I love this...)
Still, let me be still
Let me be okay
With the quiet in my heart
Still, I want to be still
I'm so quick to move
Instead of listening to You
I'm your child
Tame my heart
Obedience
To me impart
Still
hold me
cleanse me
change me, oh God
Change me while I am
Still, let me be still
And know that you are God
And You're always enough
Still, I want to be still
To take all that I am
And simply lift it up
Shut my mouth
Crush my pride
Give me the tears
Of a broken life
Still... Still.. Still.. Still...
Word of God Speak
I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak
I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice
I'm finding myself at a loss for words
and the funny thing is it's okay
He reminded me that even when I am at a loss for words; which is most of the time, it's okay. So many times the words to the songs I hear become my prayer. And sometimes I feel like He is speaking these words just for me...
There Will Be a Day
I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always
I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone
Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting
I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing I am ready for "that day..."
I can remember years ago when I was grieving and healing over my past sin of abortion (Samuel and David) on my drive to work; though much shorter back then, if the radio became fuzzy (that happens alot when you live in the country) I realized He wanted me to speak to Him. I spent that time in prayer. Healing and grieving over how I had hurt Him...I spent that time speaking to Him, confessing, crying, confessing... It was a very healing time in my life. It was a precious time...
Now as I grieve for Rachel and slowly try to heal... I am realizing that I will never heal completely this side of heaven. I am also realizing that He wants me listening, really listening to Him. Whether it be in song, a word from a friend, walks in the park and the sounds of His creation or even just noticing the change of the seasons. He is always faithful to speak...
I am thankful for both seasons in my life. Both journeys, but especially this one, have lead me to become a better person with a stronger, deeper more centered and grounded faith. This journey has led me to a place where the joy is unspeakable even in the pain.
Still
The more I get alone
The more I see I need to get alone more, more
Cause just when I think that I'm alone
Your Spirit calls out to me
And even silence has a song
Cause that's when You come
Sing over me
Still, let me be still
Let me be okay
With the quiet in my heart
Still, I want to be still
I'm so quick to move
Instead of listening to You
Shut my mouth
Crush my pride
Give me the tears
Of a broken life
Still
Of this world, it falls around me
And flutters all it's beauty in my eyes
But let me choose the solitude
Simplicity has always simply changed my life
Cause even stillness makes me move
Cause that's when my heart
Learns to dance with you (I love this...)
Still, let me be still
Let me be okay
With the quiet in my heart
Still, I want to be still
I'm so quick to move
Instead of listening to You
I'm your child
Tame my heart
Obedience
To me impart
Still
hold me
cleanse me
change me, oh God
Change me while I am
Still, let me be still
And know that you are God
And You're always enough
Still, I want to be still
To take all that I am
And simply lift it up
Shut my mouth
Crush my pride
Give me the tears
Of a broken life
Still... Still.. Still.. Still...
Word of God Speak
I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak
I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice
I'm finding myself at a loss for words
and the funny thing is it's okay
He reminded me that even when I am at a loss for words; which is most of the time, it's okay. So many times the words to the songs I hear become my prayer. And sometimes I feel like He is speaking these words just for me...
There Will Be a Day
I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always
I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone
Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting
I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing I am ready for "that day..."
I can remember years ago when I was grieving and healing over my past sin of abortion (Samuel and David) on my drive to work; though much shorter back then, if the radio became fuzzy (that happens alot when you live in the country) I realized He wanted me to speak to Him. I spent that time in prayer. Healing and grieving over how I had hurt Him...I spent that time speaking to Him, confessing, crying, confessing... It was a very healing time in my life. It was a precious time...
Now as I grieve for Rachel and slowly try to heal... I am realizing that I will never heal completely this side of heaven. I am also realizing that He wants me listening, really listening to Him. Whether it be in song, a word from a friend, walks in the park and the sounds of His creation or even just noticing the change of the seasons. He is always faithful to speak...
I am thankful for both seasons in my life. Both journeys, but especially this one, have lead me to become a better person with a stronger, deeper more centered and grounded faith. This journey has led me to a place where the joy is unspeakable even in the pain.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Precious Gifts
January 11, 2009
My children, all of them have been the most precious gifts God has ever given me, aside from Jesus that is. Andrew continues to bless me in me so many ways. He brings me joy, laughter, smiles and fun. I am so proud of the man he is becoming… And Rachel, her life was a gift too. She still brings me joy, laughter and smiles. I was so proud of the woman she was becoming.
Her life was a gift but her death has been too… that was HARD to say! And even harder to accept! I am still working on that. Her death began a journey that has been a precious gift. This journey has given me many precious moments, hard but welcome lessons, sleepless nights, early morning meetings, awesome worship often alone and in my car, and sweet prayer time; all with Him.
I have learned and continue to learn many things along the way but the one that stands out the most is that I am nothing more than a cracked pot, a vessel to be poured out, a vessel that blesses Him in everything that I do and say. The journey has been sweet yet hard and I mean hard. It continues to be hard… but it has been an indescribable gift!
Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!
2 Corinthians 9:15
Add Comment
Kari says...
"In Pastor's sermon's today he talked about when we go to the next level in our walk with Him it's usually when we are going through a tragedy, I know that to be so true. I so want to go to the next level now, but the price can be too much.........Stay close to Him as he brings you up to the "next level"" (1/11/09)
My children, all of them have been the most precious gifts God has ever given me, aside from Jesus that is. Andrew continues to bless me in me so many ways. He brings me joy, laughter, smiles and fun. I am so proud of the man he is becoming… And Rachel, her life was a gift too. She still brings me joy, laughter and smiles. I was so proud of the woman she was becoming.
Her life was a gift but her death has been too… that was HARD to say! And even harder to accept! I am still working on that. Her death began a journey that has been a precious gift. This journey has given me many precious moments, hard but welcome lessons, sleepless nights, early morning meetings, awesome worship often alone and in my car, and sweet prayer time; all with Him.
I have learned and continue to learn many things along the way but the one that stands out the most is that I am nothing more than a cracked pot, a vessel to be poured out, a vessel that blesses Him in everything that I do and say. The journey has been sweet yet hard and I mean hard. It continues to be hard… but it has been an indescribable gift!
Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!
2 Corinthians 9:15
Add Comment
Kari says...
"In Pastor's sermon's today he talked about when we go to the next level in our walk with Him it's usually when we are going through a tragedy, I know that to be so true. I so want to go to the next level now, but the price can be too much.........Stay close to Him as he brings you up to the "next level"" (1/11/09)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
