✨ A Story That Must Be Told
I shared this part of my testimony many years ago, but Rachel’s death overshadowed every part of my life for the last 16 years and changed everything for me. But I’ve held this part of my testimony close to my heart for far too long. While the loss of Rachel is still a huge part of my everyday life, I have to tell this story…
🙏 The Beginning of My Faith Journey
Let me start at the beginning of my Christian walk. Even though my parents were Christians, they didn’t attend church regularly. We were the Christmas and Easter churchgoers. When I was in the 6th grade, a friend invited me to MYF (Methodist Youth Fellowship). I began attending faithfully and soon started going to church as well. My parents would drop me off for Sunday School and pick me up after church was over. In the 6th grade, as all good Methodist kids do, I attended confirmation classes, professed my faith in Christ, and was confirmed in 1976 on Easter Sunday. From that moment on, I was eager and hungry for His word and presence in my life.
But then life happened. I graduated from high school and moved to Sherman to go to Austin College. Without a church home and accountability, I drifted. I strayed from Him. And while I know He never left me, I left Him for a while. Without an intimate relationship with Him, I made some very poor choices.
💔 A Hidden Secret and Deep Shame
“We are in churches, we are in shopping centers. We have Bachelor's degrees, we have Master's degrees, and we have PhDs. We are women who have experienced abortion. We have a secret we cannot share. If people knew the truth about us, they would not like us, love us, or associate with us. We have committed a sin so terrible we believe it is unforgivable. Society is not going to punish us. We punish ourselves. Something snaps and we learn that we CAN recover from our sin and even find peace. When we understand and recognize the loss of our child and mourn that loss, grieve that loss, and accept God’s forgiveness, then we are free to forgive ourselves and go on to the hope that Christ offered on the cross and still offers today.” – Carol Everett, Her Choice to Heal.
I was that woman for years. In 1986 and again in 1987, I terminated my pregnancy. I kept that secret for many years and lived in my own self-imposed prison for at least a decade. During that dark time, I married, gave birth to two beautiful children, graduated from nursing school, and began a career as a labor and delivery nurse. But even in the midst of those blessings, the weight of my past was crushing.
🌿 A Journey to Forgiveness
In 1993, the Lord led me to my current job as a labor and delivery nurse. Every day, I was faced with the miracle of life, and I was forced to confront what I had done. But it wasn’t until 1996, at a post-abortive women's retreat at Falls Creek, Oklahoma, that the shame, grief, and anger overwhelmed me. I cried out to God like never before. I knew He had forgiven me, but the hardest part was forgiving myself. And I’ll never forget the moment at Great Hills in Austin when I nailed my sin to a cross. We literally each had a nail, and we hammered them into a wooden cross. It was then that the shame, guilt, and anger left me. I felt free! ✝️
“As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.” – Psalm 103:12
For years, I had let my past define me, but the Lord reminded me that His grace is greater than my sin.
Fast forward to 2008...
💔 The Day That Changed Everything
April 28, 2008, is a day etched in my memory and carved in my heart forever. I never dreamed that day would set my feet on the most intimate journey with Christ I have ever experienced. A journey from ashes to beauty…
“To comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor.” – Isaiah 61:3
April 28th started out like any other day—sleep, then work. I was about to head to yet another delivery when a co-worker approached me with a concerned look and told me there was a phone call for me. My heart sank… it was the call every mother fears. A police officer told me Rachel had been in an accident. I remember screaming at him, “JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!” That’s when he told me she had attempted to take her life and was being care-flighted to a trauma center in Dallas.
A little over an hour later, Chris and I arrived at Parkland Hospital, where we were told there was nothing they could do. She was alive, but not for long. We were then allowed to be with her as Jesus came to take her home. So many people came to be with us—her friends, our friends, teachers, even people we had never met. It was all so overwhelming and humbling.
✝️ Walking Through Grief with God
Most of you are more familiar with this part of my story because I have been so public and transparent about my grief journey. Blogging was a huge part of my healing. I did the ONLY thing I knew to do—I turned and leaned into the Lord like never before. I truly believe that my abortion journey was such a dark time that I refused to go back “there.” In the early years, I thought I could conquer grief one “step” at a time, as if it had a clear endpoint. I remember sharing this with my pastor, and he gently told me, “This journey will not be complete on this side of heaven.”
😡 ANGER! I was so angry. Crying, fit-throwing, red-hot anger! But then I realized—he was right. And this grief journey has been one of the most intimate seasons I’ve had with the Lord. It took me a long time to be able to say this, but if the Lord allowed me to have Rachel back, I’d say no, because I would miss out on the journey I’ve had with Him. Our reunion will come in heaven, and oh, what a glorious day that will be! 🌅
“You turned my wailing into dancing; You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing Your praises and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise You forever.” – Psalm 30:11-12 🙌
Beauty from Ashes
Looking back, I can see that even in my darkest moments; whether it be loss because of choices that I made or the loss of our daughter by her own hand, God never let go of me. He was always there, waiting for me to turn back to Him. And when I finally did, He didn’t shame me—He embraced me. He took my brokenness and made something beautiful out of it.
“To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory.”(Isaiah 61:3).
I won’t say the road has been easy. The scars of abortion remain as do the scars of losing Rachel. But I am living proof that God truly does bring beauty from ashes.
No sin is too great for His grace. No past is too broken for His redemption. If you are carrying shame, regret, or grief, I want you to know this:
Jesus is waiting with open arms.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)
He forgives. He restores. He makes all things new.
And that includes you. ❤️
